smash_logs | Once upon a time I was falling in love...

"OK! I hope he says Yes."

Sonny wanted to ask more about Voile's trainer. It wasn't anything they discussed at length. Not in comparison to how often Sonny blathered on about Red, at least.

"I'd like to see new places with you. Experience new things with you for the first time, you know? It would make everything way better."

She paused with a brief moment of surprise and looked over to him. "Experience new things with me, Sonny...? Is that... so important?"

Because she couldn't understand why he would say something like that to her. Or why she needed to be there. Her head inclined as she thought over his words.

"You're very sweet. I... don't know what to say, really."

"Of course it's important!" Sonny replied cheerfully. His grin just grew, even as her voice sounded more unsure. "It's very important to me. "

Because She was very important to him.

"You don't have to say anything, it's OK. And I'm glad you think I'm sweet. I think you're really sweet too! So, we're just a couple of sweet things. Kind of like a plate of dessert."

Could she feel any worse? She wasn't sure. He was being so kind to her. And she thought her heart was exploding, because seeing the guy who filled so much of it had evidently left her wanting. The lack of closure had held the potential to drive her mad. It hadn't, of course, for she still considered herself one of the sanest people in the academy.

But all the same, it'd taken one single reunion between her and Sonny for her feelings that she had deliberately crushed down to come back. And it was akin to being taken by love via a twirling storm. And matters of the heart were complicated.

"I-I'm not sweet," she argued. "You shouldn't say such things. But you're sweet enough to cover us both."

"Why shouldn't I? Why aren't you?" Sonny replied. The questions were obviously rhetorical - he wouldn't call her sweet if she really disliked it for some reason but he THOUGHT she was, and that was what counted.

She sighed at him, "You're so impossible. And I know it's because no time for you has passed at all."

I need you to understand something. But how can you understand it when I don't understand it?

But she was the one letting him hold her hand. She was the one letting him tug on her heart, because to be fair, he'd never really lost it to begin with. Anger with someone didn't mean feelings vanished. If anything, Voile thought hers grew stronger.

"Absence... seems to make the heart fonder, I... guess," she shyly murmured, which seemed to be more for her own benefit than his.

"I know. I mean, a little time passed for me, but you're right - it did make my heart grow fonder. Even just on the train ride I missed being able to wander around and find you. And I missed knowing that you could do the same, even if it was just for a couple of days."

He was misreading her without any intent to do so. It just seemed as if his own thoughts lent themselves to her words without quite matching what was on her mind.

"But we don't have to worry about that now."

That's not... what I meant.

For a few moments, she thought about clarifying. But refrained. Simply because she wasn't sure how to begin things. Or if anything was even going to begin. She did, however, have the inkling to a starting point. She couldn't do anything about something that involved other people. But she could do something that had to do with the two of them.

"If... you don't mind. I have a question," she managed to say. Without actually looking at him for it.

"A question? OK! I'll try answer it for you."

He wondered what it could be - she was starting to seem more and more unsure. He had to wonder if she was OK? Maybe she wasn't having as much fun as he was?

She hesitated. And did something that she found was growing increasingly frequent. She backpedaled.

Edging a little closer, she adjusted to curl her arm around his and just about buried her face in his arm. "It's nothing. I guess I'm still a little all over the place. I keep thinking I'll get up tomorrow or something and you just won't be here."

"It sounds dumb. Like... I'm really happy. And I hurt. And I think that sounds dumb, too."

"Oh..."

He topped walking and turned his head to look at her as she wrapped herself against him. He felt his heart break just a little bit more - how terrible she must have felt that whole year. There was no way he could blame her for her worries.

"I'm not going to go anywhere. I promise." he said quietly. "No family trips or wandering or errands or anything. No further than the corner store at least. I'm going to be right here. Any time you think that maybe tomorrow you'll wake up and I won't be there, just come to my room or find me in the cafeteria or greenhouse or under my Napping Tree. Call me on my phone or send me an email and I'll respond."

He placed a hand on her shoulder and drew himself against her. He wanted so much to comfort her and make her feel better - he knew there was so little that he could do to that end, though.

"Any time you think that maybe tomorrow you'll wake up and I won't be there, just come to my room or find me in the cafeteria or greenhouse or under my Napping Tree. Call me on my phone or send me an email and I'll respond."

She hadn't expected to hear it and she was sure that reflected in her expression when she heard all of what he had to say. When he did near her, she felt herself freeze up. Not necessarily because it made her uncomfortable, but rather that the mere motion in itself reminded her so much of what used to be. Of how they used to be. Of how she once was. Kinder than she was in the present. More apt to forgive.

But after a moment or two, she released his arm in favour of embracing him. Because at that moment, it seemed like it would be okay to do. Perhaps. For a little, anyway.

Voile nodded, still uncertain and a bit skeptical, but knowing very well he deserved her faith if he was going to have anything of her. "...Okay," she conceded to him softly. "I'll try not to worry so much."

We cannot change the past, Sonny. But perhaps we're not meant to.

He hugged her back, of course. He'd wanted to since arriving home, but it had felt strange to do so after she'd been a year without him. He took her embrace as an invitation to react in kind, and as his arms met around her shoulders, he let out a sigh which could mean nothing but relief.

"I understand if you worry, you know. But now, you can do something about that worry. And I'll do my best to come and find you too, OK? You don't have to do all the finding. You'll see me around a lot and maybe, soon, you'll get used to seeing me again and so the worries won't come to often."

That was his hope, anyway. And to him, it seemed like no effort at all because only eight or so days ago, he was doing just that. Poking his head into the Library to see if he could spot that telltale green hair of hers peeking over the top of a book, or wandering toward the greenhouse with a couple of apples, thinking that maybe she'd be there. (And if she wasn't, it just meant he could sit there and eat two apples instead of one, so, y'know. Win-win.)

True. She wasn't as powerless as she was before. Not that there had been much 'worry' involved when she acknowledged he was gone. Worrying about someone leaving wasn't necessarily something she experienced. If she knew someone was gone, she simply knew they were gone and that was that. Sonny's had hurt more because of who he was to her. Cyrus' not so much, aside from the memories that sat on her heart. And of course she had missed Tails each time he disappeared, but that boy had come and gone so often, that she felt there was a lack of respect involved.

Her head tipped up to eye him, just so he knew that she was listening and she nodded once more. "I hear you." Then she offered to him a characteristically modest smile, perhaps a little bashful in nature - though that was likely in part to their embracing. "Both of us are difficult to miss. I may look a little different-" More akin to a diva since the host club gathering. "-but not so much that you couldn't recognise me."

"I'd always recognize you!" Sonny replied, returning her smile widely. "And soon, I hope, things will just get back to normal."

Because, really, that was his wish. That things could just go back to being the way they were before he'd taken a short trip that he never suspected was going to change anything. Especially not so much as they had changed.

"I do seem to stand out."

She almost didn't like admitting it. It was the trouble with being as she was. She looked like she stood out and with her personality being what it was, she had to admit that it was probably almost impossible not to notice her. Voile might have been a little more quiet in nature, but she was excessively helpful when she needed to be. Or felt that she needed to be.

What he said, however, caught her off guard. "Normal," she repeated. As she eyed him, her head tipped, "What are you defining as normal, Sonny? What is it that you're looking for? How do you want things to go?"

"Well... I was expecting to come back to everything being just the same. So. Like they were. Last week... or... last year."

It was still a difficult thing for him to get his head around.

"I know things can't be exactly the same. But That's.... if I had a wish, that would be what it was."

Kind of a shame Jirachi hadn't enrolled at school here.

"I was expecting to come back to everything being just the same. So. Like they were."

His words stopped her. As simple as that. She couldn't just magically take everything back. She couldn't just... so easily fall into Sonny's arms - though technically she already had.

Life was... unfair. Of all the things she had expected to happen, this wasn't one of them. And while she was normally optimistic and characteristically pleased, she couldn't be. At least she didn't feel she could be. So was that how a heroine felt in those romantic storybooks? She didn't want to be one.

"I... I don't know what to tell you, Sonny. I... wish things could go back to the way they were, but I don't think they can be. At least not... yet. A lot has happened. And... I think some of it would upset you. I don't know how to talk with you about that."

"Oh..."

There had been some worry within him that something like that might come up. A year was a really, really long time. Even for someone who spent a lot of time asleep. But her comment about not knowing how to talk to him about it? That hurt a little. He was the same person he'd always been and she'd never had problems telling him things before? Had she?

"I don't know either. How you should do it."

He frowned and chewed on his upper lip. He had to wonder if it was something he really even wanted to hear - if it was hard for her to say, that probably meant it was really bad.

"....just tell me." he finally said, stepping back from her just a little bit so he could see her better. "It's OK! It's important for you to tell me things I missed out on, so, I'll just listen. OK?"

He made an attempt at smiling, but it really didn't work at all.

"It isn't that easy!"

It was the first thing she thought to say and the sharp protest that it was came before she could stop it. Slipping her left hand over her mouth, she felt her cheeks flush with a great deal of guilt. As if she'd been holding the whole thing in for those months. From the moment Marie seemed to show in her something more than that of a friend.

And she could have been fine if she'd been oblivious to it. Not to mention Seth as well...

"You don't... understand at all," she continued, softer than she had been before. "I can't just... come out and say it. What do I even say? I don't know."

Voile shook her head and she drew one arm across her chest to take hold of her opposing arm gently. "When you were gone, Marie would always try to cheer me up. To tell me that it was okay. So we would go out and do things - walks, usually. Somewhere... along that, he must have seen something in my kindness. Are we anything, I would ask myself occasionally. And the answer to that..."

She sneaked a sidelong glance to Sonny, "...I just don't know. He and I are and were aware. And I... haven't been able to look at anyone the way I look at you. I hoped in vain for you to return. Because I..."

"A year can pass, and I still feel the same for you. If not stronger. More so because here you are now. The person I love most of all. I don't know what to do and I know all I'm going to hear is how I should do what'll make me happy, but it's not that simple. It really isn't and no one should be trying to simplify it that way."

Sonny did as he said he was going to do and listened. His hands behind his back and his head rocked forward on his shoulders so he could pay proper attention.

....he'd been right. He didn't want to hear that. At all. Marie helping Voile was good! He liked that. He would have hoped his family would be there for her during his absence. But then came the questions as to whether there was something more to it than attempts to cheer her up after a while. And that left him feeling a little betrayed. Sort of. Kind of? Yes. No? Yes.

And hadn't she asked him 'What does betrayal mean to you?'. Was she trying to tell him then? Leading in with a question to start the conversation? Or maybe just trying to figure out how he'd perceive things. Which made him wonder how he DID perceive it - for all anyone knew, he'd disappeared. What RIGHT did he even have to complain at this point? He had no clue.

Then, of course, she told him she loved him and he wanted to interrupt her so much. To tell her 'I love you too!'. Because he did, and he didn't need a year apart from her for the feeling to be stronger. He may not have said it much but he thought that actions spoke louder than words and he always tried to show it. He DID want her to be happy and to him, everything else was secondary. Maybe it wasn't simple but it was important to him.

....thinking all this and saying something coherent, however, were two different things.

"...I... see...?"

A pause.

"....I don't know what to say either?"

His reaction. Made her angry. It was the only way she could think of it. And she almost reacted irrationally. In fact, how she stopped herself, she didn't know.

Pulling her hands over her face, she thought about crying too. Like that might help. Except it wouldn't, of course. It didn't help when she discovered Cyrus was back. It didn't help when she'd locked herself away for those two weeks in hopes of hiding. And just when she thought she was finally getting somewhere, Sonny had to come back too.

Like it was some divine punishment. Had she been such a bad person? Was it because she was just finally starting to warm up to the idea of Marie? But that couldn't have been it too much because in all honesty, Voile wasn't very open with the Wartortle. She could have been his girlfriend in practise even if they didn't say it, but she certainly held him at arm's length.

"I had assumed you would say that," she managed to utter after too many moments of silence. "I don't know why I thought saying anything to you would help. All you can do is stand there and either berate yourself for leaving or despise me for not waiting a year for you to come back."

I didn't know you'd come back. I thought you were just going to leave me. I expected you to. It hurt so much less just to assume you'd go without a word to me.

"And neither are fair to you nor me." She sighed with a great reluctance, "I have no right to make this request of you, but please don't talk to Marie about this yet. He didn't do anything wrong. He wasn't rude to me or mean, or cruel. He and I don't talk about anything between us, because we both were thinking of you. What he really thinks of me, I don't know at all. I know he likes me and I know he cares and worries about me. Do I think he loves me? No. Probably not."

Her head tipped, "Do I love him?" That was probably what Sonny really wanted to know. "Not the way that I love you. I loved him as a friend. I love all of my friends. But I'm not... in love with him." Because the only person she'd ever felt she was 'in love' with was Sonny.

"Alright. I won't say anything to Marie."

Which... in all honesty was going to be hard. If the two spent any time together it was going to be painfully frustrating not to ask questions. She said that they were always thinking of him but it was hard to see that right now. He felt glad to hear her say she didn't love Marie the same way she loved him. But then he felt bad for finding a victory in that - why shouldn't she? Marie was awkward and people found it hard to get along with him sometimes, and he knew for a fact that he found it hard to tell people how he felt even under great circumstances... But he was a wonderful person when all was said and done. He deserved love. He deserved happiness too, and if he'd found some in Voile that was only to be expected. She could make anyone happy, after all. Even a sulky Wartortle.

"I love you too. I hope you know that. You do, right?" he finally said, stepping forward again, his big, thick fingered hand hovering an inch or two over her shoulder, almost as if she looked fragile enough to break suddenly if he touched.

"I love you too. I hope you know that."

Had she? No. Not really. She'd never asked him. She'd never wanted to have that conversation with him. She still didn't really want to in the present, but she found herself minutely stuck. Although it seemed like a crime to be honest with him and open when she'd not been able to be open with Marie. She was in the wrong and the more she tried to view it objectively, the more she could see just how much she was ruining things.

Or had ruined things already. Simply by existing. Simply by being herself. As she stared at the ground, his words sat in her head, the mere vibrations that they were and she thought she went numb.

If I were wise, I would remove myself entirely. I have no place between them. And neither of them deserve to be stuck with someone like me.

"I can't claim to know what love is. Because if you love me, then you are probably the first. I've never... had anyone tell me that before." Somehow it made her happy and filled her with a bitterness she longed to ignore.

"I do love you." he said, finally allowing his hand to settle on her shoulder. "I'm not... I don't know about how to be good at this stuff. I'm actually really really confused about everything right now? But I know I love you."

But he loved Marie, too. It was a different kind of love. And he didn't want to sacrifice his feelings for either one, but really, that seemed less than realistic right now. Considering Marie got upset over things that Sonny didn't even pretend to understand? This whole mess could really be a problem.

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Funny story: I can't remember what she was going to ask him.

His secret banana bread recipe, maybe?

That was clearly it.

The secret is to add a little orange juice to your smashed bananas.

That actually sounds very good.

It is. For it is actually my secret banana bread recipe.

... I want to make banana bread now. You fiend. >:|

Bwahahahaaaa! It's super fun to make. XD

I've not made it since I was young. Probably about twenty years ago. xD

Sounds like you're long overdue. XD

I believe I am, good sir!

Haha - Now I want to make some. XD

CLEARLY YOU KNOW WHAT YOU MUST DO.

My new mission in life!

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