smash_logs | Once upon a time I was falling in love...

"I was expecting to come back to everything being just the same. So. Like they were."

His words stopped her. As simple as that. She couldn't just magically take everything back. She couldn't just... so easily fall into Sonny's arms - though technically she already had.

Life was... unfair. Of all the things she had expected to happen, this wasn't one of them. And while she was normally optimistic and characteristically pleased, she couldn't be. At least she didn't feel she could be. So was that how a heroine felt in those romantic storybooks? She didn't want to be one.

"I... I don't know what to tell you, Sonny. I... wish things could go back to the way they were, but I don't think they can be. At least not... yet. A lot has happened. And... I think some of it would upset you. I don't know how to talk with you about that."

"Oh..."

There had been some worry within him that something like that might come up. A year was a really, really long time. Even for someone who spent a lot of time asleep. But her comment about not knowing how to talk to him about it? That hurt a little. He was the same person he'd always been and she'd never had problems telling him things before? Had she?

"I don't know either. How you should do it."

He frowned and chewed on his upper lip. He had to wonder if it was something he really even wanted to hear - if it was hard for her to say, that probably meant it was really bad.

"....just tell me." he finally said, stepping back from her just a little bit so he could see her better. "It's OK! It's important for you to tell me things I missed out on, so, I'll just listen. OK?"

He made an attempt at smiling, but it really didn't work at all.

"It isn't that easy!"

It was the first thing she thought to say and the sharp protest that it was came before she could stop it. Slipping her left hand over her mouth, she felt her cheeks flush with a great deal of guilt. As if she'd been holding the whole thing in for those months. From the moment Marie seemed to show in her something more than that of a friend.

And she could have been fine if she'd been oblivious to it. Not to mention Seth as well...

"You don't... understand at all," she continued, softer than she had been before. "I can't just... come out and say it. What do I even say? I don't know."

Voile shook her head and she drew one arm across her chest to take hold of her opposing arm gently. "When you were gone, Marie would always try to cheer me up. To tell me that it was okay. So we would go out and do things - walks, usually. Somewhere... along that, he must have seen something in my kindness. Are we anything, I would ask myself occasionally. And the answer to that..."

She sneaked a sidelong glance to Sonny, "...I just don't know. He and I are and were aware. And I... haven't been able to look at anyone the way I look at you. I hoped in vain for you to return. Because I..."

"A year can pass, and I still feel the same for you. If not stronger. More so because here you are now. The person I love most of all. I don't know what to do and I know all I'm going to hear is how I should do what'll make me happy, but it's not that simple. It really isn't and no one should be trying to simplify it that way."

Sonny did as he said he was going to do and listened. His hands behind his back and his head rocked forward on his shoulders so he could pay proper attention.

....he'd been right. He didn't want to hear that. At all. Marie helping Voile was good! He liked that. He would have hoped his family would be there for her during his absence. But then came the questions as to whether there was something more to it than attempts to cheer her up after a while. And that left him feeling a little betrayed. Sort of. Kind of? Yes. No? Yes.

And hadn't she asked him 'What does betrayal mean to you?'. Was she trying to tell him then? Leading in with a question to start the conversation? Or maybe just trying to figure out how he'd perceive things. Which made him wonder how he DID perceive it - for all anyone knew, he'd disappeared. What RIGHT did he even have to complain at this point? He had no clue.

Then, of course, she told him she loved him and he wanted to interrupt her so much. To tell her 'I love you too!'. Because he did, and he didn't need a year apart from her for the feeling to be stronger. He may not have said it much but he thought that actions spoke louder than words and he always tried to show it. He DID want her to be happy and to him, everything else was secondary. Maybe it wasn't simple but it was important to him.

....thinking all this and saying something coherent, however, were two different things.

"...I... see...?"

A pause.

"....I don't know what to say either?"

His reaction. Made her angry. It was the only way she could think of it. And she almost reacted irrationally. In fact, how she stopped herself, she didn't know.

Pulling her hands over her face, she thought about crying too. Like that might help. Except it wouldn't, of course. It didn't help when she discovered Cyrus was back. It didn't help when she'd locked herself away for those two weeks in hopes of hiding. And just when she thought she was finally getting somewhere, Sonny had to come back too.

Like it was some divine punishment. Had she been such a bad person? Was it because she was just finally starting to warm up to the idea of Marie? But that couldn't have been it too much because in all honesty, Voile wasn't very open with the Wartortle. She could have been his girlfriend in practise even if they didn't say it, but she certainly held him at arm's length.

"I had assumed you would say that," she managed to utter after too many moments of silence. "I don't know why I thought saying anything to you would help. All you can do is stand there and either berate yourself for leaving or despise me for not waiting a year for you to come back."

I didn't know you'd come back. I thought you were just going to leave me. I expected you to. It hurt so much less just to assume you'd go without a word to me.

"And neither are fair to you nor me." She sighed with a great reluctance, "I have no right to make this request of you, but please don't talk to Marie about this yet. He didn't do anything wrong. He wasn't rude to me or mean, or cruel. He and I don't talk about anything between us, because we both were thinking of you. What he really thinks of me, I don't know at all. I know he likes me and I know he cares and worries about me. Do I think he loves me? No. Probably not."

Her head tipped, "Do I love him?" That was probably what Sonny really wanted to know. "Not the way that I love you. I loved him as a friend. I love all of my friends. But I'm not... in love with him." Because the only person she'd ever felt she was 'in love' with was Sonny.

"Alright. I won't say anything to Marie."

Which... in all honesty was going to be hard. If the two spent any time together it was going to be painfully frustrating not to ask questions. She said that they were always thinking of him but it was hard to see that right now. He felt glad to hear her say she didn't love Marie the same way she loved him. But then he felt bad for finding a victory in that - why shouldn't she? Marie was awkward and people found it hard to get along with him sometimes, and he knew for a fact that he found it hard to tell people how he felt even under great circumstances... But he was a wonderful person when all was said and done. He deserved love. He deserved happiness too, and if he'd found some in Voile that was only to be expected. She could make anyone happy, after all. Even a sulky Wartortle.

"I love you too. I hope you know that. You do, right?" he finally said, stepping forward again, his big, thick fingered hand hovering an inch or two over her shoulder, almost as if she looked fragile enough to break suddenly if he touched.

"I love you too. I hope you know that."

Had she? No. Not really. She'd never asked him. She'd never wanted to have that conversation with him. She still didn't really want to in the present, but she found herself minutely stuck. Although it seemed like a crime to be honest with him and open when she'd not been able to be open with Marie. She was in the wrong and the more she tried to view it objectively, the more she could see just how much she was ruining things.

Or had ruined things already. Simply by existing. Simply by being herself. As she stared at the ground, his words sat in her head, the mere vibrations that they were and she thought she went numb.

If I were wise, I would remove myself entirely. I have no place between them. And neither of them deserve to be stuck with someone like me.

"I can't claim to know what love is. Because if you love me, then you are probably the first. I've never... had anyone tell me that before." Somehow it made her happy and filled her with a bitterness she longed to ignore.

"I do love you." he said, finally allowing his hand to settle on her shoulder. "I'm not... I don't know about how to be good at this stuff. I'm actually really really confused about everything right now? But I know I love you."

But he loved Marie, too. It was a different kind of love. And he didn't want to sacrifice his feelings for either one, but really, that seemed less than realistic right now. Considering Marie got upset over things that Sonny didn't even pretend to understand? This whole mess could really be a problem.

She took his hand and held it between her own, with a kind of respect, as if she might not get to do so again. Her words were not false or untrue. She loved Sonny with everything in her. She loved him so much that it was painful and it was the kind of sensation she didn't want to particularly feel because it was immensely strong. And it made her feel weak.

But he probably didn't see her like that.

"I shouldn't have said anything."

Simply put, entirely what she believed. "If I had kept it to myself..." It was easy to dislike herself. And she couldn't tell him to forget about it.

I waited so long, Sonny. I wanted to see you so much. I felt so very empty without you here. You took so much of me with you when you left. I gave you so much of me. But the girl you've returned to isn't the girl worth the effort.

"Thank you," she finally said, lifting his hand so she might nestle her cheek into his palm. "For everything you've done for me. For every kind word. For every afternoon. For each moment."

"You're welcome - I want to thank you for all the same things." And he wanted there to be more of them, of course. Of all of it.

"...and I am glad you talked to me about it. I really am. It's going to be... um. It's a difficult thing? But I think talking about it is the first thing that has to happen."

Because it was important to him thast it got resolved. One way or the other, he wanted things to be OK and for everyone to get along.

At first she simply stared at him. Then she gave him the smallest smile. Still sincere. But reserved. So perhaps it wasn't too different from what she normally gave him.

A sigh followed, "You're too sweet."

Then she eyed him with respect, "You love me, then? Your final conclusion where I'm concerned?" Or perhaps she just wanted to hear him say it again.

"I do. I have. It's not..." He paused. It was hard to figure out how to put what he wanted to say into words at the best of times, let alone an emotional point in time like this. "...I didn't know when was a good time to tell you? But I did my best to show it. And I hoped that you understood it."

Because while he was nice to most people - even people he didn't like that much - he was extra special super nice to her.

"...that probably sounds really dumb. I'm new at this."

"I..."

Lifting her left hand, she rested it over her cheek, keeping hold on his hand with her right. "I've found I'm very oblivious. I don't seem to realise when people have interest in me. Or I don't take it very seriously."

She couldn't help but to think of how tense Marie was when Seth had come to flatter her so blatantly and unabashedly. Perhaps there was more where he was concerned, as well. Although she was sure he was still only teasing with her. She hoped, anyway.

"I don't think it sounds silly. What sounds silly is that I'm asking you something I could have just as easily found out by prying into your feelings. Or maybe I was just... afraid to have that conversation. It's... hard to expose your heart, after all." She gave his hand a gentle squeeze.

"I... apologise for putting you in a place where you had to. Without doing so of your own accord."

"No, it's OK. I don't really mind at all." Sonny replied, shaking his head. "I'm glad that we're talking about it. Even if the other things around it are kind of tricky."

Because, at the back of his mind, he couldn't shake the little voice that was reminding him that all this Love and Confessions Of It were perhaps taking something from Marie. He had to wonder how the conversation between her and Marie was going to go, and whether Marie was going to take things nearly so well.

"I had... wanted to talk with you about it before," Voile admitted.

"I'm not good with my feelings. I'm good with everyone else's, but I have a difficult time trying to dissect mine. I'm used to trying to pretend they aren't there, so..."

She tilted her head, "Do you remember that night at the tavern? You told me you had talked with Red about me. Like you made me sound so great and I was so scared. Afraid I wouldn't match those expectations. Afraid I wouldn't - couldn't be the person you needed me to be. I still feel that way."

Motioning to herself, she frowned, "I don't think that I can be anything that anyone needs me to be. But I always feel like that. I thought I would have outgrown it, but I... just don't know. I wish I could see myself the way you do, Sonny."

"But you ARE great, though? You shouldn't be nervous about stuff like that. I think almost anyone would like you. And I knew Red would even before you two met."

To be fair, this was partially due to his absolutely unshakable faith in his trainer as a wonderful person too.

"I wish you COULD see yourself the way I do. That would be great."

He wondered if she could feel what he felt when he was around her and if maybe that would be enough.

"Am I, though?"

She certainly didn't feel great. If anything, she almost felt worse because he thought she was. She didn't get that at all. He was so genuinely interested in her. Okay. He so genuinely loved her. And that was slightly terrifying. In an exciting way. She wasn't sure.

"I'd probably love myself if I could. Maybe that wouldn't be such a good idea. Better to be modest than it is to be vain."

"Of course. I wouldn't of said it, otherwise."

Simple logic, but it was sound in Sonny's mind.

"It's a balance that you have to get right. It's OK to like yourself but if you start being a jerk about it, then it puts people off. You can like yourself and still be modest. I don't think there's any kind of rule that says you can't do that. I like Me, but I don't use that as an excuse to brag or anything."

True. It was a good point.

"I don't think you've ever bragged about anything since we've known each other," she admitted. "But I also don't think you have a harmful bone in your body. You're always thinking of other people, but I'm not sure you think of yourself enough."

A slight frown and she gave him an encouraging rub to his forearm with her free hand. "I hope you'll learn how to do that. Helping other people is always great, but it's good if you help yourself, too."

"I help myself to seconds and thirds at dinner. Maybe that sort of counts?" he replied with a little chuckle. She was right, he did need to think of himself a little more. It was hard, though, when he cared about so many people so much.

She snorted. She actually snorted. And after more than a few moments of embarrassment, Voile sheepishly smiled. "That does not count."

Squeezing his hand once more, she gave him a somewhat sly side glance. "How about this? Let's make a promise, Sonny. You promise me that once a day you'll do something that's genuinely, truly for you. And I'll make you a promise as well, of your choosing."

"A Promise? Huh."

He paused. He would have to do something genuinely, truly for himself every day that didn't include seconds and thirds at dinner? He wondered what that could be. Well, maybe he could listen to more of his favorite music? Maybe go different places on his own? He could see how that could be fun.

"OK. I promise!"

What would he want her to promise, though? She'd already said she was in love with him and that was really all he wanted from her.

"I don't know what to ask you to do, though? What would you like me to ask you to promise to do?"

"That's an unfair question," she chided him gently.

Quieting herself, her head tipped from side to side as she gave his question some serious contemplation. "Hm. I asked you to make me a promise that was really important to me. So you should have me make a promise about something that's really important to you."

But she had a feeling that it sounded a lot more simple to say it than it was to actually do it.

"Um. Hmmm. OK."

Sonny scratched the back of his head, and his brow creased in thought. He really couldn't think of a single thing he wanted her to promise to do. She had asked him to do something for himself and really, he wanted to ask her to do the same thing. But he didn't want to just copy the promise he'd made her make, because that might look like he wasn't taking it seriously. Which he was.

"Voile, can I think about it and ask you later?" he finally decided on.

"Absolutely," she replied without skipping a beat.

With a smile, she seemed satisfied by his choice of action. He could take all the time to think about it that he wanted. Fact of the matter was that she thought if they made a promise together, they'd feel closer to one another. But was that really such a good thing with what she was getting herself involved with?

Probably not. And she probably knew it.

"I was thinking," she began as her head tipped and she eyed the ground. "That maybe we should just... relax today. I know I said I was going to show you the contest hall, but I really like the idea of sitting down for some lunch with you and just talking. I missed talking with you a lot."

I've not made it since I was young. Probably about twenty years ago. xD

Sounds like you're long overdue. XD

I believe I am, good sir!

Haha - Now I want to make some. XD

CLEARLY YOU KNOW WHAT YOU MUST DO.

My new mission in life!

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