You're gonna test, and I'm gonna watch.

[testgasm]

Who: Weetabix. YOU.
What: TIME EATING
When: Who even knows.
Where: APERTURE WHEATLEY LABS
Warnings: Weird time shenanigans. Inappropriate noises.

You walk through the door and find yourself in a room.



You appear to be alone. The room is empty save the door you came from and a door that is obviously the exit--though neither will open. A large, red button sits in the middle of the chamber, surrounded by several cube...things.

There is an oversized TV monitor bolted to the wall but it appears to be off.

In front of you is a pedestal that holds two things--a strange device and a pair of boots. The gun-like apparatus has two triggers, but firing either at any of the walls does nothing. More fiddling, however, and you might realize that the gun can be used for picking things up--and perhaps even used to put things on other things (HINT HINT).

The floor and walls shake gently around you, tremors of some far-off disturbance. You might want to put those boots on, and find a way out of here while you're at it.

Comments

[baad_romance]

What.


The.


Fuck.

[baad_romance]

...AHHHHHHHHHHHH PUT THOSE BOOTS ON AND THE GUN AND HOPE YOU CAN FIGURE THIS OUT AND NOT DIE??

That's always a good plan.

[testgasm]

Yes, good, Vincent. That is a good first step.

But I think you can do one better, Vincent.

[baad_romance]

"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?????"

How's that, Wheets.

[testgasm]

Alas, Vincent's inquiries are met with naught but silence and the occasional chirping of the Frankenturrets.

The giant red button

beckons.

[planking]

Is the answer to this test "curl up in the fetal position and go to your happy place"?

Because that is what Flint wants to do whenever he is surrounded by SCIENCE. Like he is now. He is standing as still as possible, trying not to touch anything, less he get SCIENCE GERMS on him. Because that is totally a thing that happens when you touch technology.

[testgasm]

No, Flint. That's not the answer.

But look! The Frankenturrets are coming to help you out.

Or beg for death.

Either one of those. Sometimes it's hard to tell.

[did_well_enough]

It takes a little bit, but GLaDOS' body on the floor finally shifts as she groggily wakes up. However, her eyes shot open immediately once she sees where she is. In fact, that may be a small smile, as she realizes she's back at Aperture.

Wait...she can't smile as a robot...

And that's when it hits her, she's still in her humanoid body. Not only that, but...there's Frakenturrets here...and that familiar monitor-

"Oh you have got to be kidding me."

Hear that? That's the sound of GLaDOS realizing she's gone...back in time somehow.

With Wheatley in charge.

...well at least she wasn't a potato.

[testsubject1]

Of course. Chell really would wake up here of all places, wouldn't she? You see that face, Wheatley? That's the face someone makes when they're exasperated, as if to say, "You've got to be kidding me."

So, was this Smash Academy thing all a pipe dream then? Probably. GLaDOS never would have let her free and given her back her cube. She never would have stumbled across this random civilization with a school where she was trapped. Again. No, she was back in an even worse situation. With Wheatley. Then again, Wheatley was in her little dream anyway, pretending to be someone named Pendleton.

But, if she had gone back to reality, then where was GLaDOS? She looked at her portal gun and found no potato attached. Okay. Maybe that was a good thing, maybe not. She might as well go through these monotonous tests again and find Wheatley and put an end to him.

So obviously she knows what to do with the red button and cube and stuff. She's pretty quick about it until...

What. Since when were there other people here? Since when.... GLaDOS? But... Wait, GLaDOS was only in a human form in her dream at that school. So that meant that that wasn't a dream. And she had left the school and gone back to the lab. God damn it.

She hoped GLaDOS didn't expect her to carry her around again.

[planking]

What's that odd skittering nois- oh what in the hell of all that is holy is that abomination

Flint looks around for some kind of stick to hit the robot-hermit-crab-chimera thing with, but alas, all around is science.

He settles for kicking it gingerly with the tip of his boot.

oh my god why is byrne here

[dothelokomotion]

Oh. This was high-tech.

So much technology.

SO MUCH TECHNOLOGY...

Byrne wouldn't admit it aloud, but he honestly had no idea what he was doing. So he just stared. He stared at everything, trying to figure out why he was here. Staring. At things.

Had he gone forward in time or something? Not impossible, since the Academy seemed to converge many timelines into one. But this wasn't the Academy.

So. He continued staring.

[makesithot]

...Huh? Chili groans and looks ahead, feeling kind of sleepy... or, he thinks. Wasn't he just in another one of these dumb dreams? or realities? or somethings? And one would think he'd be done with this by now... Well, it appears not, for here he is! This warrants another groan from the boy.

This time, he notes, he's in a drab room with some lit-up signs. There are two pairs of freaky boots and some other things over there, as well as yet more things that look like weird robots. Chili pulls a long face, suddenly feeling less sleepy than before. He turns to his right, about to moan aloud when he notices a familiar blue-haired boy at his side. Cress!

"Cress!!" he exclaims, his expression brightening up significantly. "Boy, am I pleased to see you! I have no idea where I am right now, but I keep zoning in to the strangest places! ...Well, kind of like this!" He motions around the room to emphasize his point. "Do you have any idea what's going on?"

[makesitcool]

Groggily, Cress assesses his surroundings and tries to hear Chili out. Rightfully so, he's a bit disoriented. This was the first time he had appeared in somebody's timeline, so when he gathers his mental faculties up in their proper bundle, his eyes pop wide open.

"Chili... Where are we?"

[makesithot]

"I just said, I don't really know what's going on," he admits, motioning with his hands again. "I thought I was dreaming the first time this happened, but I guess it's not. I don't really get it."

Chili glances back to the pedestal and at the objects stacked on top of it. He looks at the little flailing turrets and feels the tremble of the room. Building. Whatever. His attention goes back to the items planted in front of the two brothers. "What... do you think those are for?" he asks, referring to the boots and the guns. "Why are we here? Argh, the least we could have gotten was maybe some guidance to get out of this place!"

Needless to say, Chili is frustrated.

[makesitcool]

"It looks to be some type of laboratory, or a similar facility of sorts," observes the blue-haired triplet. He focuses his attention on the boots and guns. "And these are the strangest boots. What the other item is next to it I cannot say, but there is a pair of each. It's almost as if they were designated for our use..."

He looks to his brother with an imploring eye. "What should we do?"

[testgasm]

It's still enough of a manly-man kick to send the Frankenturret toppling over on the button. No sooner does it hit the red surface than the monitor flickers to life.

HELLO THIS IS GIANT BLUE ROBOT FACE.

"Hey, I knew you'd--"

GIANT BLUE ROBOT FACE IS NOT EXPECTING A COWBOY.

"Who are you?"

[makesithot]

Chili taps his jaw with a finger, his eyes trailing up to the ceiling then back down to the boots and guns. "Well... if they're meant for us, maybe these are the only instructions we're gonna get," he guesses, heading for the objects set in front of them. "What else can we do? Let's see what they're for!"

He beckons Cress over, first heading for the guns. "You can go look at those freaky shoes. I'll figure out what these are."

[testgasm]

Everything in the room remains quiet, save for the chirping of the Frankenturret and the occasional tremor. The doors, of course, refuse to open.

You know what you must do.

[testgasm]

WOW GOSH those cube-guys sure were friendly, weren't they? Scooting around and chirping and BEGGING FOR DEATH nudging up against Byrne's leg.

It's not long, however, before the adorable antics are interrupted by the room shaking and the sound of a far-off explosion.

Perhaps it would be a good idea to get out of the room.

[makesitcool]

"Sounds like a smooth course of action," decides Cress. He gingerly removes one of the boots from its pedestal and feels it up sexily and down, examining its contours. The most absurd part of it had to be the bendy support in the back. Well, it shouldn't hurt to try it on for size... He gets down and works on fitting it over his leg.

The operation was a success. Cress rises to his feet again, tests his stability, and comes to the conclusion that these were indeed wearable. "They aren't unstable, but it does feel a little like I'm wearing heels." WAIT CRESS HOW WOULD YOU KNOW

[makesithot]

Chili had already groped the hell out of the gun, trying to figure out where the trigger would be located. Like in a movie! But there were two, and that left him confused. He wonders what they could be for when Cress gives him his analysis on the footwear.

"Do you think we have to wear them?" whines Chili before snickering at the appearance of the boots on Cress' feet. "Hey, whoa, you're tall now!" He uses his hand to show the difference, just for extra effect.

[testgasm]

Wheatley, unfortuantely, does not see that face because he is too busy reveling in the fact that he's been given a SECOND CHANCE as LORD OF APERTURE. That TV monitor is still off, after all.

THERE'S ONLY ONE THING TO DO...

[makesitcool]

"I don't see any reason not to. Besides, you wouldn't want Cress to be taller than you, now would you?"

Effective marketing strategy.

[makesithot]

WOW HOW UNDERHANDED.

Chili snorts and hastily reaches for the shoes. "Yeah, we'll see about that!" He hastily pulls them on his feet, wobbles, then catches his balance. "Haha, whoa! These are pretty hot, actually."

He moves back to the guns. "Okay, I guess we need to take these, too. I don't know what they do yet, but we'll see soon enough, right? I'll try it out first," Chili decides, and he plants the gun in his hands. "There are two triggers. I wonder..."

Without trying to see what his brother thinks about it first, Chili tries to fire at a wall. Nothing happens. "Heeeeyyy, what giiives?!" WHAT A GRAND DISAPPOINTMENT.

[whitedeviljack]

Raiden could've sworn he completed a VR mission like this once. Except there weren't freaky... hermit crab robot things scuttling around.

"Where am I...?" He spun around in confusion. Cold, stuffy, unnervingly sterile... if it weren't for the strange, distant burning smell and ominous rumbles he would've likened this place to being inside of Arsenal Gear's guts again. Naturally, this got him to raise a hand to his ear, desperately calling someone--anyone--on his codec.

"Snake, this is Raiden. Do you copy?" No answer, of course.

"Snake?!" He tried again. It's never worked before but, maybe... "Rose? Rose can you hear me? I'm... stuck in some kind of weird place! There's these little things crawling around and the only door won't open..."

No answer.

"Damn it." He muttered to himself, giving up. Someone obviously put all these things here for a reason; that weird looking gun and those weird go-go thigh-high boots. Blatantly announcing your presence was generally Very Bad Protocol when it came to missions, but for all Raiden knew, this was just a bad dream... or another day at Smash Academy.

Tentatively, he approached the gun, carefully minding his step around the box crabs. On-site weapon procurement was standard operating procedure, right? He curiously examined the weapon. It was unlike anything he had ever seen before, but found it rested comfortably in his hand. He took an experimental shot at one of the box crabs. It seemed to shoot some kind of energy beam, but...

"That didn't do anything." Next easily observable thing was the big red button.

Big red buttons were generally a bad idea to push, unless they were attached to a video game controller, but it wasn't hard to see there was a string of lights leading from the button to the locked door.

Raiden... very carefully edged towards the big red button. He brought the tip of shoe closer... he was inching his toe closer and closer.

...CLOSER AND CLOSER.

HE WAS SWEATING. HE WAS MAYBE SHAKING A LITTLE.

WHAT WOULD HAPPEN?

WOULD HE DIE IF HE PUSHED THIS BUTTON?

WOULD IT, PRESUMABLY, OPEN THE DOOR? OPEN HIS HEART AND SOUL AND DREAMS?

WHAT WERE THOSE THINGS SERIOUSLY? THEY WERE KIND OF CREEPY. WHO MADE THEM?! WHY WERE THEY HERE? WHY WAS HE HERE?

Raiden and Raiden's shoe pushed the button.