smash_logs | merry merry christmas, and I want you to know

Entry tags:

merry merry christmas, and I want you to know

Who: YOU
What: KISSLETOES
When: December 14th - January 1st
Where: Everywhere
Warnings: Sloppy makeouts.

SUDDENLY, AND WITHOUT WARNING...

title or description

The entire school has become covered in mistletoe overnight. It grows out of the walls! The ceilings! Everywhere you least expect it? HOW CAN THIS BE??

It's probably best not to think about it. Attempts to uproot the plants or burn them away only makes the plants grow back faster. For the time being, it seems the school must live with it.

[OOC INSTRUCTIONS:
+ Post dudes, get kisses!
+ Some (NOT ALL) plants are cursed. If you manage to step under a cursed plant, you will exchange a memory when or if you exchange a kiss. The memories will be first-person and very vivid, and characters will feel like they are experiencing the memory in real time, though in reality the transfer is instantaneous. Memories can be as short, long, happy, sad, or traumatic as you like.
+ If you'd like to participate, we highly suggest making a list of a few memories (with accompanying links/descriptions) that are up for grabs, and linking or posting the list in your top-level comment. Memory exchange is COMPLETELY OPTIONAL. When in doubt, OOC communication!
+ PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE TAG YOUR CHARACTERS
+ That's it, we love you.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Startled, Bulba had reached out to steady himself and fumbled briefly when there was no one there. It took a moment to register where Vinnie had gone. Another to glance out the window, expecting to see dark and rain. It was almost surprising to be greeted by a white, wintery sky. So that's what the problem had been.

Everything felt overwhelming. There was the low, pleasant hum that came with the sweet thoughts. Vinnie's thoughts. Those had been Vinnie's. But so was the encompassing feelings of uncertainty. Those resonated with the younger Saur so much louder, and the ache ran that much deeper. They were echoes of his own thoughts from time and time again.

Everything's finally getting better. Don't mess it up. He'd been young and scared and unsure of what to do, staring up at a ceiling much like Vinnie's.

You'll just make things harder, what's one more thing to ignore? Even if it hurt, he'd said it would have been better not to tell Vinnie at all. But he hadn't wanted to regret it. He'd been selfish.

Nothing's going to be normal again.

... What if Vinnie came to regret it?

Bulba pulled his gaze away from the window, looking over at Vinnie with anxious eyes. Unconsciously, he had mirrored the other saur's memory, lightly gripping his hand over his heart as if that would soothe the ache of an unsteady heart. The uncertainty was still keenly present, bubbling into a fear of the unknown. But once he saw the way Vinnie was looking at him, he knew in an instant that that wasn't just Vinnie's fear and dread that he'd been feeling, but his own as well.

Vinnie knew.

Never once had he breathed a word of his feelings for Green to anyone. He knew he couldn't. They were weird, kind of gross, and above all impossible. No one had ever needed to know. They were supposed to be buried, forgotten. He had let them go. But there they were, dredged up again and presented neatly to his boyfriend.

He cautiously met Vinnie's eyes, but was too overwhelmed to find words to speak.

A glimmer of hurt surfaced in Vinnie's eyes as he lamely finished the pointless motion of wiping his mouth - as if it would somehow wipe the memory clean from his mind. Predictably, it didn't.

He'd always known that a starter had a special bond with their trainer. It was different, a unique privilege. But it wasn't the idea that one of them could have feelings for their trainer that made him ache. It was just... so strong.

The warmth and love of never needing anyone else in the whole world.

Vinnie wasn't sure he'd ever felt that way. And now he knew that Bulba could never feel that way about anyone else. How could he? That part of his heart could only be reserved for one person.

It made sense, of course. Green was the first. That was just how it was - he'd known it from the beginning.

With a small sigh, Vinnie could only be glad that the younger Saur hadn't received anything legitimately traumatizing. That didn't make it less embarrassing to have his boyfriend know exactly how he spent those awkward nights in between the end of the summer and actually becoming an official couple.

None of his fears were unknown to Bulba, of course - he'd talked about them back when they had to face the impending obligation to tell their loved ones. But that had been back when their feelings were young and new, and nurturing that newly sprouted seed had been their careful, steadfast priority.

For those first few months, Vinnie felt safe and complete, like he had been first in Bulba's heart. But the reality of the face was that he simply wasn't - Bulba had so many more obligations to his family, and the rampant illness had only cemented that truth. It'd been a nice dream, but it couldn't have lasted.

Vinnie stuffed his hands in his pockets and quietly mumbled, "See? Wasn't safe."

The most terrifying part was that he couldn't know the thoughts that Vinnie was having now. The shiny didn't know if he should have been apologizing, or trying to explain... something. That even though he had felt it once, and felt it strongly, he didn't...

It wasn't like that anymore. There was always a part of him that would love Green, but he wasn't the only one that made his heart ache with how much he cared. If anything were to be said, it should have been that.

Bulba needed Vinnie. But Vinnie... Bulba wasn't sure what he needed. A sense of normalcy. They'd talked about a number of his fears going into things, but... how many of them were actually gone? What had Bulba been able to do to make him feel safe and happy? All he did was baffle the other saur. Make him uncomfortable. Get in his way. He was a far cry from the kind of support Vinnie needed.

Bulba anxiously rubbed the sleeve of his sweater, trying to stop feeling as nervous as he did. It was a hard feat, considering he was trying to dispel the feeling of Vinnie's that lingered on top of his own.

"Sorry... Why didn't you say that's what it did?"

Vinnie made a frustrated grunt as he balled his fists deep in his pockets and stared down at the ground. "I guess it didn't matter either way."

It was clear from the anguished expression on his face though: he was scared. Out of his wits terrified at the prospect of hurting Bulba, disappointing him. Of having to tell the other Venusaur that maybe he really had ruined everything. Of all the people to exchange memories with, Char was probably the worst possible candidate for how everything could go wrong in an instant. And it had. It'd blown up spectacularly.

"I saw something I shouldn't have. I said things... I shouldn't have."

Regret stained every inch of his face as he helplessly glanced back up at the other Saur. Please don't hate me - because he sure as hell hated himself right now.

Edited 2014-12-27 04:57 (UTC)

Whatever worries he had, whatever fears and shortcomings he felt- they all fled the moment Vinnie looked back up at him. He was so frightened. Bulba felt his throat tighten, and his heart ached at the sight. The shiny saur had no confidence that he could soothe his lover's fears, but that didn't mean he wasn't going to try. There was no way he couldn't, not like this.

Carefully stepping out of the way of the mistletoe, Bulba reached out for him so he could draw the older man down and gently nuzzle his face. He knew how quickly things could turn to ash around Char, accident or no. Where they were now, all Bulba could do was offer small, wordless acts of comfort.

"Can we go to your room?" Bulba asked him softly. Whatever it was, he was sure it was something Vinnie wouldn't want to talk about in the hallway where anyone could pass by.

Vinnie nodded numbly, this time his turn to be silent. Inwardly, he was glad that Bulba hadn't offered up his own room - being in potential proximity to Green or any other Green related parties was not something he could handle right now.

Slowly, tentatively, he forced a hand out of his pocket and uncurled his fingers so that they could wrap around Bulba's. He'd have to explain what happened to him, and soon - that dread sat like a heavy lump in his stomach, but for now his first concern was just to make it back to his dorm without any more incident. Hopefully the path would be clear. More disaster in such quick succession would've truly been some form of punishment from the fates.

Vinnie's hand was welcomed as Bulba's fingers found their familiar places. There was a comforting squeeze- a reassurance that he wasn't alone, that he was there- and then Bulba gingerly led Vinnie down the hall.

Fate decided to take pity on the distraught grass types this time around. With careful maneuvering and a vigilant eye, they met with no issues on their journey. There was just the silence of unease, and the quickened pulse shared between tightly clasped hands.

Vinnie's room was safe from most of the people that could have dropped by Bulba's. Just as importantly, it was also empty at the moment. There'd be no one to ask what was up as they stepped in and shut the door, which was a blessing all on its own.

As soon as the door closed, Vinnie dropped onto his bed like a sack of hammers, hunched over the edge with his face in his hands. He sat like that for a long while, letting the day's events all catch up to him.

That horrible aching loneliness and the wretchedness of failure. A shining, unrequited love that had lasted a lifetime. They still echoed inside his chest, lost and aimless. No matter how often he repeated to himself that they weren't his, they seemed no less real - because the intensity of their presence had awakened similar feelings that already resided in the Venusaur's heart.

Self-loathing and the desperate need to be acknowledged. Fear of a love that couldn't be sustained. Now they too were fresh and new, thanks to the mistletoe.

For a while, Vinnie didn't say anything. He wasn't even sure how long it was before he could muster up five shaky, quiet words: "I'm sorry. I fucked up."

Bulba had faithfully taken up residence beside him. With no more hands to hold, he taken to resting his arm on Vinnie's back, moving his hand in small soothing motions. He was still there. It was okay.

When Vinnie finally spoke up, Bulba stayed quiet for a few moments longer. Quite and shaky as they were, they still felt heavy. They were practically weighing the other saur down, and he could feel it.

Biting his lip, Bulba leaned down to nuzzle against Vinnie's shoulder in what was now half of a hug. "What happened?"

The hand across his back did seem to help. Vinnie's breathing steadied, and his shoulders relaxed just a touch - but he didn't dare nuzzle Bulba back. Maybe he didn't deserve to.

"When we exchanged memories, I..." Immediately, his instinct was to stop himself. That glimpse inside Char had been horribly invasive, right into one of his most private, painful moments. To talk about it out loud only wronged him further - until the Venusaur realized that of anyone, Bulba probably saw the Charmeleon's state first-hand. While it wasn't the same as having the emotions imposed on you, it was the next best thing to knowing how much Char had suffered.

"Char saw us win the championship. And I saw... afterwards." He shook his head, trusting that was all he needed to say for Bulba to understand. "He was so angry - cuz he was right. I... I didn't think anything of him back then. Or," Vinnie grimaced, forcing the truth out of himself, "o-or any of you."

It was suddenly stunningly clear what might have transpired between them.

Afterwards. He knew afterwards. He remembered sitting at the edge of a bed shadow, tiny Bulbasaur claws just barely crossing its threshold as he tried to stay out of the Charmeleon's personal space but still be there so he wasn't alone. Most attempts at getting closer resulted in swipes or hisses of flame. There were tiny piles of berries and cookies- Daisy had tasked him with giving them out. When everyone's down, she had said, we need to make sure they're still warm and fed.

For him, afterwards was running all through Green's house, trying his best to help everyone in their grief. He'd been broken hearted but it... it faded quicker for him, than it did everyone else. It hadn't been any less important, of course not. He'd pushed himself so hard to do right by Green. It had meant so much to his trainer to win. He'd been crushed. But... they couldn't get stuck there forever. Maybe he'd just been too young for it to truly stick like it had for Char. Bulba didn't know. But he knew it could run deep. He knew how much the actual rivalry meant for the dragon and his pride, not to mention his standing with Green and everything else it all meant.

And to be honest, it did hurt to hear that Vinnie had thought nothing of them. The moment his words sunk in, Bulba's hand tensed briefly on Vinnie's back. It put all that time spent trying to do anything with the older saur in a new light that didn't look good at all, but...

But it didn't hurt him the way it could have a few years ago. The soothing motions from his fingers began anew, a silent reassurance that Bulba was okay.

He'd always been easy to coax forgiveness from though. Char, however.

"So you fought about it," Bulba added for him quietly, bridging the logical next step.

Edited 2014-12-27 10:26 (UTC)

Feeling Bulba's hand tense only made the awful guilt curdling in his guts that much worse. He almost wanted to pull away from Bulba's side completely, unable to bear his presence - but instead, Vinnie just clammed up.

"...Yeah. We fought about it," he echoed hoarsely, and said nothing else. If the revelation that he used to view Green's team with such disdain and contempt when Vinnie had been such a dickish, surly Ivysaur was off-putting, then he couldn't stand the idea of how Bulba would react if he found out how bitter, spiteful and loathsome he could be, when pushed.

It no longer mattered that all this was sparked by an unfortunate curse. The fact of the matter was, Vinnie still hurt Char, deeply and personally - the sibling that his boyfriend cared for more than any other.

Maybe he didn't even deserve Bulba's forgiveness.

When it seemed like that was all he was going to be getting out of Vinnie at the moment, Bulba sighed. What a mess.

He sat up a bit, trying to lead Vinnie up with him. "Come here," he invited, holding his arms out for him. "Please."

Vinnie lowered his hands and stared back, but didn't move.

Bulba shouldn't have been trying to embrace him, comfort him. If he knew the things Vinnie had said, he wouldn't be. What kind of person said things like that to their boyfriend's brother, and still considered himself a decent boyfriend? He wasn't. He'd just hurt people, and made everything harder for everyone involved.

All that trying to change himself, and it was for fucking nothing. He was still just as much of a fuck up.

In the end, Vinnie turned away from the worried promise of Bulba's arms to stare back down at the floor. "Please, don't...?"

the request trailed off, unfinished, uncertain of what he wanted. With a frustrated sigh, the Venusaur ran his fingers through his hair, pulling out his hairband in the process.

So what was he supposed to do then?

"Vinnie..."

Bulba lowered his arms, uncertain. He didn't want to force the issue, but it hurt to see Vinnie beating himself up like that. Scooching off the bed, Bulba moved in front of his boyfriend. He reached out, tenderly gliding his hands across Vinnie's cheeks to lift his face towards him.

"Look... I don't know if you want me to be angry at you because you did... whatever you did. Maybe I would be. But... I don't think you'd feel so bad if it wasn't a mistake. People make mistakes, that doesn't mean you're awful forever."

Vinnie's gaze was pried away from the floor, until he had nowhere else to look except into Bulba's concerned, gold eyes. The urge to break out of his gentle hands was still there, but at last, he didn't have the strength for it anymore. He wasn't even sure he had the strength to move.

"He was still angry even though... everything's already changed," Vinnie muttered weakly. "I knew I was wrong, back then. I wanted t'be better. He said..."

The Venusaur stopped himself, mid-thought. The barbs of Char's words still stuck in him, refusing to be pulled out. The Fire Type had every right to be angry, and he hadn't even been that wrong. His accusations of the Saurs' relationship especially struck a deep vulnerability - Vinnie had just put himself in a place where he wasn't wanted or needed, and forced Bulba into the painful position of having to choose. It was the bed he made for himself, so he didn't have a right to complain that he had nowhere to fully belong. Those consequences were completely his to own. He knew what would happen, going in.

Scowling at himself, Vinnie squeezed his eyelids shut and lapsed back into his own regrets. His faults to be despised. "I called him a victim. That everyone had to put up with. That held onto grudges so he could blame other people, and... who'd respect that? I..."

That already trembling voice began to crack as those red eyes opened again, pleading and fearful and bewildered at his own cruelty. "Why did I say that? I know he's more than that. And I..."

Understand him. Respect him. Desperately want him to respect me. Hurt him.

Edited 2014-12-27 23:39 (UTC)

The tear was there. Part of him wanted to comfort, the other had the mind to reprimand. The shiny saur had flinched when Vinnie divulged some of what had been said, knowing full well those were the wrong things to day. Char put up a strong front, but words... words meant a lot to him. He could take hits upon hits, but Bulba had seen just how quickly saying the wrong thing could put the Charizard on edge and shut him up. The younger saur had done it himself, even.

But it went without saying that he knew just how sharp Char's tongue could be too. Whatever Char had said was conveniently left out, which Bulba had definitely taken note of. This wasn't a full story.

In the end, looking down into those red eyes that were watching him so intensely, Bulba knew there was nothing he could say to scold him that the Venusaur hadn't already done to himself. For a moment, he caught a glimpse of himself in Vinnie's eyes and he knew he saw himself in him. Knew the kind of blame the grass type was pulling on to his shoulders and the punishments he was lining up for himself, because Bulba had carried them all before.

Bulba's thumbs brushed the ridges of Vinnie's cheekbones, providing a soft whisper of comfort that he probably felt was unwarranted and undeserved. It hurt to see him like this. It hurt knowing that somewhere Char was off in pain too.

... It hurt realizing that he had been expecting it. At some point, they were going to hurt each other. For all that he hoped that they wouldn't, he knew better than to kid himself. The flicker of disappointment in his eyes was more for himself, knowing he hadn't done enough to try and stop it before it happened. Maybe because it was inevitable. Was it unfair for him to think that? Probably.

He moved his hands, slipping his arms around him to draw Vinnie against him in a careful embrace.

"You got caught in the heat of the moment," Bulba murmured, taking an educational guess. "You said things you knew would hurt... because he did the same to you."

Despite being hugged, Vinnie leaned against him lifelessly, neither seeking comfort in Bulba's arms, nor pulling away. He had seen the disappointment in the other Venusaur's eyes - even without any anger to accompany them, it'd still stung. He should've been more upset. The fact that he wasn't only meant that he wasn't that surprised by the depths of how much Vinnie screwed up. It all made him ache deep down in his heart more than anything he ever wanted to experience again.

Bulba received no confirmation to his theory, but it was more or less self-evident. Any explanation Vinnie could've given would've simply been an excuse. He should've done better. He should've bore the pain of those accusations, like he was supposed to.

So... now what? How could he possibly salvage this? Vinnie had no idea. But the responsibility was wholly on his shoulders, he knew that much.

"I have to fix things," he muttered anxiously, trying his best to muster the resolve despite all his uncertainty. "I... don't know how. But I will."

Well. As long as Vinnie stayed there, Bulba was going to hold him close. Feeling like there needed to be some kind of movement, his fingers found their way into Vinnie's wild mane and slowly combed through it as they stayed like that.

"It won't be easy," Bulba sighed after a few moments. There was really no pretending it would be anything but a difficult uphill battle. "But it... I think you'll be able to."

Bulba crouched down a bit so he could be level with him, brushing some of the hair from Vinnie's eyes. "You want to make things right. Beating yourself up won't help."

Vinnie nodded numbly, hearing the words without fully absorbing them.

"Um... I don't think it'd make anything better if you tried t'talk him into..." forgiving him? Somehow, the Venusaur couldn't force the words out his mouth. Instead, he swallowed hard and continued, "I broke it, so... I don't think anything else would really work."

It was the Charizard's loyalty to Bulba's feelings that got the two of them into the state of affairs where Char practically ignored him for a year until everything was so pent up that it lead to this outburst, after all. So Bulba trying to make him see one way or another was probably just going to make things worse, rather than better.

By itself, apologies were just words, and presents were just trite bribes. But trying to think of anything that could get through to the Fire Type just kept drawing blanks. Nothing felt clear - what was he missing?

Ah. He'd practically read his thoughts. It was probably the obvious action to take. Of course Bulba would have wanted to talk to Char about it. He was worried. He needed to know how his brother felt and... No one was going ti say it, but Bulba knew he was at least partially responsible for this happening between the two if them to the degree that it had.

He frowned a bit. "I can't talk him into anything," Bulba told him somewhat bluntly. "I... Want to talk to him, but... It's not my place to do more than that. I know."

Bulba settled his hands on Vinnie's shoulders, brushing his forehead against the other's to leave some of his scent there. It was hopeful and sweet, and Bulba could only hope it'd bring Vinnie a sliver more peace than he had before.

"i'm sorry. This used to be easier."

Before us. His fingers curled in Vinnie's shirt as he realized the thought had been on his tongue. In two words he would have been apologizing for their relationship. Maybe he should have.

Unfortunately, Vinnie was perfectly capable of filling in the end of that sentence for himself. You knew things would get complicated, he told himself. You knew it'd get worse, with no guarantee of getting better. He'd already relinquished his right to complain about the consequences of being selfish - now he just had to live with it, somehow.

At least make it worth it. He should've. Sadly, that sentiment was easier said than done. Why Bulba would even want anything to do with him right now was already baffling. Wanting affection, reassurance, forgiveness and taking up Bulba's time was just more selfishness on his part. That was what got him in this situation in the first place, so continuing to do so just felt like digging himself a deeper and deeper grave.

He closed his eyes, let himself rub foreheads with the other Venusaur, but that was as far as he let himself go. "I'm just makin' things harder on you, aren't I..."

There was a light, breathy laugh from the younger saur, but it didn't sound the slightest bit jolly. No, that's my line. The words stuck in his throat. They weren't ones that'd make him feel better. They might have just added to his sorrows and Bulba couldn't bear the thought of doing so. Of course, it was possible that there just wasn't a right thing to say, and that made his heart ache all the more.

"Don't worry about me," he murmured, nuzzling a bit more. "This isn't anything I can't handle. I'm more worried about you."

"You shouldn't have to," muttered Vinnie insistently, turning away from the nuzzle. As much as Bulba could tell him not to blame himself, it was hard for him to see the situation as anything other than entirely his fault. It was on his shoulders, and he ought to be the one to carry it, not the other Saur.

Probably what Bulba actually wanted to do was talk to Char and make sure he was okay. In all fairness, what brother wouldn't? Instead he was here, and smelling sweeter than Vinnie really felt like he deserved.

"You should probably... go find your brother," he mumbled finally.

It was the same old tug. Bulba didn't often feel like choosing between one or the other was all that hard, but it was also rare that he was actually given the choice. More often than not, it was already decided for him. Bulba could practically feel the wall building between them as Vinnie turned away, barricading him from even considering that option.

Though that didn't mean he wasn't going to try. "I will, but... Vinnie, I don't want to leave you like this."

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flowerofmtsilver - 2015-01-11 09:12 (UTC) - Expand

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rivalsolarbeam - 2015-01-11 10:46 (UTC) - Expand

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merry merry christmas, and I want you to know

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