O, Signage of Truth and Virtue! Enter into Our Swoledom: Enter into Our Hearts!

[raced_god]

Who: Max, Captain Falcon, you?????
What: Hanging posters. Maybe some other stuff. Maybe whatever you want.
When: Week of April 21st.
Where: Around campus and also the locker rooms I guess.
Warnings: Swolitude. Tiny towels. Man talk.



The posters have sprung up overnight. Tacked to bulletin boards, plastered on lampposts--anywhere that can feasibly hold a flyer, the posters are there. The question, then, is where are they coming from? Who is putting them up?

The answer is perhaps obvious. If one pays attention, it is not difficult to find one Max Powers around campus with a stapler, one Captain Falcon following him with a stack of flyers.

One can only imagine the things that run through his head. I've saved the universe, he thinks to himself. I am the greatest racecar driver that ever lived, he thinks, with every clack of Max's stapler. I own islands.

And yet

And yet, dear reader, there they are.

Comments

Feel the Power of my Guns: Their Might is Unassailable!

[bluetanker]

An arm the size of a medium-sized livestock animal (a goat or sheep, mayhaps) swung in front of Hajime's delicate, boyish face and then the forearm tightened and raised and the massive lump of flesh contracted into a bicep muscle whose proportions seemed barely contained by the sheath of skin surrounding it. There were enough triceps at the base to power the arms of fifty lesser men.

"This kinda swole," said Max, proudly. The vein that ran down the center of his arm looked disturbingly ready to evacuate the premises at a moment's notice. This was the Platonic Ideal of Swoleness, giv'n human form.

[raced_god]

God.

GGgggoooood.

"I don't actually know where it comes from," he admitted.

I Dedicate My Life to My Swole! Join Me in the Growth of Muscularity!

[bluetanker]

"Dedication," explained Max simply, while still flexing his bicep for Hajime to observe candidly.

[raced_god]

"I meant the word."

God.

[inspirethefire]

It was true. The muscle oozed congealed dedication, built up over the years. Fascinating and morbid, the sight simultaneously entranced Hajime and made him feel faintly nauseous.

"Swollen. Turgid, inflated, distended." He tore his eyes away to eye the flier again. "A portmanteau to indicate experience in protuberance."

[tank_rockarms]

"What?" said Max, clearly confused.

He understood about five of those words.

[inspirethefire]

It came to Hajime in a flash. He'd been wondering what the appropriate analogy for Max's size was for a while, but with this new non-word juxtaposed to his quivering biceps, it came to him. "Meat balloons."

[raced_god]

"Gross," said Falcon.

[needsmorebiceps]

"Wrong," said Max. "Balloons are empty and got nothin' in them. These are solid muscle. The left one's Boulder," and here he brought it up for Hajime, "and the right one's Tank," he finished, with a glorious double bicep pose.

"Meat balloon's an insult."

[inspirethefire]

"Sorry, Sir. It was just... what popped into my head." He'd found debating Max, especially on topics like this, proved largely futile, so he left it there.

Aside from...

"So is... gaïnze... French?"

It's good to hope for the best and expect the worst, sometimes.

[raced_god]

"I think it's a made-up word. Gains, like, to gain muscle."

So, not French, sorry Hajime.

[tank_rockarms]

"It ain't made up or whatever French is. It's just gains with a z is all. Gainz. Muscle gainz."

[inspirethefire]

He had to resist the impulse to inform Max that this did, in fact, make it made up. "Is there a particular reason it's spelled with a z?"

[raced_god]

"Dudebros, probably."

Said in a way that suggested Max was totally a dudebro.

[tank_rockarms]

"It's how they spell it on the weightlifting forums I read," said Max, who was totally a dudebro.

[inspirethefire]

"And you're entirely certain it's not a typo on their part?"

[tank_rockarms]

"Uh, nope. That's how they spell it."

[inspirethefire]

"Why?"

[raced_god]

"Because they're dudebros."

[bluetanker]

"It looks cooler with a Z."

[inspirethefire]

"I see. A culture where aesthetics trumps reason." Casual glancing between the two of them. "I can see the appeal for some."

[raced_god]

"I'm not a dudebro," Falcon insisted. He didn't even use the word gains, much less spell it with a z, god.

[tank_rockarms]

"You say that but you're just sayin' that," said Max, who was helping.

[inspirethefire]

Hajime didn't say anything. He just watched.

[raced_god]

"I don't spell gains with a z. I don't use the word gains at all."

HE'S NOT A DUDEBRO