smash_logs | (no subject)

Bulba nodded in quiet understanding on both accounts. He was tired of all of it too. A break from all of the stupid things that piled up would be nice. A time where they didn't have to get hung up on anything or worry or try to be anything that they weren't... gosh that would have to be a godsend or something. Bulba kept an eye on Char's poison-wracked frame, slowly shuffling back into place at Char's side as they continued down the hall once more. He definitely needed the rest that was waiting for him.

This was clearly just an afternoon of Char brand surprises. Bulba had to keep glancing at him as he spoke. There was a swell of feelings in his chest that the Ivysaur suddenly felt overwhelmed by. He felt bad that he wasn't sure how long this had been on Char's mind. "Char..." It should have been something he had noticed long before now, so that he could have said something properly about it. Then again, maybe Bulba wouldn't have felt quite as ready to say anything before now.

Tentatively, Bulba reached out to touch Char's wrist. It was a small contact of reassurance for both of them. It was crazy that this was something he'd never said before, and that it had taken this long for it to come out in the open. Bulba wasn't even sure how he was supposed to be saying it, but now seemed like the time do it.

"... The only thing I need you to be is you."

Bulba, that's terrible advice. 70% of the reason you've ever been sad has been because of Char being Char. (10% for when Green leaves and the other 20% is Vinnie. Your life is tears.)

...But it still meant a lot. Char didn't exactly need approval from the general populace, but that didn't change the fact that he got a lot of people saying that "you" was, in fact, a very wrong thing for Char to be. Professor Oak's disapproval, Vinnie's lecturing, Sasha's heated announcement that being a Charizard just meant being destructive, a heartbroken little Bulbasaur blurting that fine, all he did was pick fights anyway -- there were a lot of things behind him suggesting that being Char meant being inherently flawed. It was a belief he'd held himself ever since the daycare days, though he'd managed to narrow down his need to be good enough to just the people that mattered in the last couple years.

Bulba was one of the ones who mattered.

Still, words had never been his forte, and he didn't quite know how to convey that much. He glanced over at Bulba, only for a moment, then just as quickly looked away -- not quite the usual huffy, prickly response, but something a little more shy. Nothing was said, but he hoped it was something that could be conveyed without being said out loud: gratitute couldn't be that hard to recognize, right?

The silence lingered all through their arrival at the washrooms and Char's quick cleanup. The water left his skin flushed and itching, but it was nonetheless a relief to scrub away the layer of dried-on blood and feverish sweat, and rinse out the lingering sour taste of copper and stomach acid. From there it was a mercifully short walk back to his dorm. He paused, hand on the door, eyes sliding back over to the Ivysaur who'd stuck dutifully by him. Another situation where it was hard to put the right words together, so he just kind of... watched Bulba with a half-hopeful look that hovered between expectant and uncertain.

It was clear that the reason Bulba was able to maintain the shine of his hair and sparkles was because he bathed in his own tears.

But he had noticed that little look. It was short and fleeting but it was so entirely foreign on the Charizard that of course he had noticed it. He smiled a little, and as small as it was it was far more genuine than the one he wore a few moments ago. It was all right. This was one of the things that Bulba didn't need to hear out loud.

The look exchanged outside of Char's door was another. Bulba had been planning on just doing what he said he would and go to his room, as much as he would have liked to have hovered around Char to make sure he was definitely okay and ride on the coat tails of this most recent exchange. He paused when Char did, assuming this would be where he parted ways. When this didn't happen and Char looked at him that way instead... Bulba blinked, momentarily confused because this was like a really weird role reversal or something.

He didn't mind that. Not at all. Bulba was actually very okay with this. His expression softened and he nodded. Without saying it out loud, Bulba made a change of plans. He wasn't going to hike down the hall if he could get away with staying here. Bulba moved closer, silently giving the Charizard the answer to his unspoken question.

Oh. Good.

Char was still very bad at handling a lot of things: touching was weird and unfamiliar and there was something kind of embarrassing about someone fussing over you when you were hurt and he wasn't entirely sure he'd ever be able to express affection as easily and openly as all these pack animals around him. Even if a hug was more confusing than comforting to him, though, the simple fact that it was a step in the right direction for Bulba was enough to make it worthwhile.

With an unspoken agreement reached, Char saw no reason to drag it out; he opened the door, stepped inside, and sank gratefully onto his bed. It was a heavy, graceless arrival, tail dangling limply off the edge and wings splayed haphazardly over the covers, but elegant and noble draconic repose could save itself for an occasion where he felt much less drained and achy. The Blaze-heat had cooled, body temperature dipping lower than normal in response to the sheer fatigue he felt, and without the panicked tension of the earlier nervous attempts at being brotherly, he was thoroughly burned out. One wing managed a half-assed little lift, indication that he was ready and willing to make room for one more if that was what suited Bulba.

(Better make it quick, though. Rasputin is pretty prone to swiping that cozy under-wing real estate.)

No, no that spot was his and no giant spider was going to swipe it from him. Not this time. Bulba had worked up to that spot fair and square and he was going to take full advantage of it.

And this was exactly what he was going to do, because it suited Bulba just fine. He crawled his way onto the bed, allowing Char to make whatever adjustments he found necessary to make room for an additional body. Once that was all well and taken care of, the Ivysaur wiggled up next to him. No longer was he so very uncomfortably warm, Bulba noted. He could nearly be considered cool. Odd, that.

Even still, Bulba made a pleased little sound in his throat and nuzzled in a bit more openly than he normally would have. It seemed like the right kind of occasion for it.. Despite everything else that was coming from this whole ideal, at least Bulba would have this moment to look on with a smile.

It was probably Bulba doing most of the adjusting, honestly; now that he was finally lying down, Char wasn't gonna be doing too much squirming around. He ended up somewhere roughly between on his stomach and on his back, that wing draped over Bulba. The old shyness seemed to have crept back into his hands a little; there was only another timid barely-there bit of contact there, the back of his hand curled loosely against his brother's skin.

"Wasn't just lip service, y'know," he mumbled tiredly. The comfortable fuzziness of sleep was hovering on the horizon. His thoughts were slowing already, and this wasn't something he'd really have an easy time translating into words anyway. The longing to be trusted, despite doing everything to prove he was unworthy of trust. The quiet conflict of wanting to push all the walls away, but not quite remembering how to be vulnerable. The worry that he didn't know exactly how to navigate the walls Bulba had put up in turn. All things he knew clear as a bell in his heart, but somehow lacked the skill to just go and say it.

"If that's what takes the weight off your shoulders, then tell me about it. I'm tired of holdin' back all the time, so... don't hold back with me either, okay?"

Bulba gave a little nod, comfortable in in this not-quite-embrace. There was just the slightest bit of hesitancy on Bulba's part. He wanted to be open with him. He really, truly did. If all of the nonsense in his life could just stop then that would be absolutely wonderful. If it could be just as easy as speaking his feelings...

"I'll try not to," he said quietly. It was suddenly his turn to look a little shy. "I just need some practice... ok?"

Because every time Bulba did try to breach the boundaries, it always ended horribly. And he had a feeling that if he brought up the things that were threatening to trouble his heart now, they'd end up just the same. As much as Bulba wanted to tell his brother everything, all the things he had to tell him were all the things that Char never wanted to hear.

It... stung a little, to reach out and ask for trust, and to realize that it wasn't ready to be given. A part of him wanted to ask why. He really hadn't made any progress since Bulba admitted just how long he'd hid his sexuality out of fear, had he? This was still the exact same motive, wasn't it? Bulba still believed that Char's love for his brother was weaker than his grudges.

Not exactly an unreasonable thing to believe, was it? Char already suspected that Bulba had taken being an innocent casualty of Char's trainer-attachment issues as a personal rejection, and he certainly hadn't forgotten just how selfishly he'd handled that whole coming-out situation. He'd gotten a little too comfortable with the small victory that hug had brought him; being reminded once again how little his ineffectual efforts had meant quickly put him back into his place. His crimes weren't going to be forgiven on the merits of a few futile little struggles.

That's just the way things are. He wasn't going to let the knowledge show, wasn't gonna get all melodramatic-poor-me-Charmeleon over it. His actions had consequences, and he deserved to bear them. This, like all things, was about Bulba, not Char's stupid little internal issues.

"...That's fine, kid." That's all there was to say, really. "Listen, I don't think I can keep myself awake much longer. If y'got something else you'd rather be doin'--" Bulba, after all, was probably still worried about Vinnie. Maybe Marie too, but that was up for debate. "--then I won't care."

Char's neutral response made it that much easier for Bulba not to fully realize that his answer had once again not been the answer either of them needed. Bulba had slowly been coming to terms with the knowledge that the way he did things didn't actually do a whole lot of good in the end. Had he known just what the extent of the damage his own hang ups were causing, his resolve to knock it off would have been that much quicker.

He knew better now that even if things blew up a little, that didn't mean Char would be through with him. It was just a matter of taking that first step. He was teetering on the edge, he just had to do it. And he would. He was going to do it. Just... not when Char was about to fall asleep.

And so Bulba, unaware of any ill ease he had just unintentionally stirred, gave Char a small smile. "It's fine... Is it okay if I stay a little longer?" He was worried, but as long as Char was still some degree of being awake, he wanted to spend just a little more time with him. He didn't think he was ready to hear about the rest of what happened yet. "You won't have to worry about me. Go ahead and get some sleep."

A little twitch of the shoulder -- the best shrug he could offer up while lying down. "If that's what you want, then knock yourself out."

It felt like there should have been something more to be said. Something to bring back the tentative security of just a few short minutes ago. Maybe he'd been reading too much into it, but false hope was a lot more comfortable than this weird, suspended sort of feeling. It was a feeling that'd been looming over his shoulder far too often lately.

...He didn't want to think about it. These not-a-disaster-but-not-really-a-win outcomes were confusing enough to figure out with a clear head, let alone now. Hell, brotherhood in general was just one big minefield; trying to navigate it while this burned out would just... not go well. So, fuck it. He gave Bulba one last look, not entirely certain what it was he was even trying to see, then let his eyes drift shut.

Bulba stayed quiet and still at his brother's side. He watched his face for a short while, trying to take in all the little things that he normally didn't have the chance to do. The times they had spent like this before, Bulba was normally trying to forget everything in another selfish attempt at seeking some sort of warmth. Now he paid attention while he could, taking note of how tired he seemed. How much of that was from the fight and how much of that was from everything else, Bulba wasn't sure. His eyes trailed to Char's shoulder, and Bulba chewed the inside of his lip. To say that he was worried about the ink was a bit of an understatement. This was not a Char that Bulba was used to seeing.

The difference in his face between a Char that was simply at rest and one that had actually let go of his thoughts to go to sleep, while not incredibly pronounced, was still astounding to the Ivysaur. He didn't know how he felt about that. Actually, he didn't know how he felt about a lot of things. Under the shield of his brother's wing with only the sound of his sleepy breathing to distract him, it seemed like a perfect time to think about them.

He didn't know what to do to make things easier for Char. Talk to him, probably. About not having to worry about him, about what was going on with the dragon, the issues of rivalry... which just turned Bulba's thoughts to the fight. Now that he was content that Char was more or less all right and resting, he could let the other concerns that had been nibbling at his gut to come to the surface. He didn't know what to do about that whole thing either. Of course, maybe it would help if he had a better idea of what had happened.

When he was quite sure that movement wouldn't rouse Char from his rest, Bulba carefully slid off the bed and crept out of the room. Slipping down the hall, Bulba made a phone call. It was short, and it was hushed, and Bulba returned to Char's room with a nauseous stomach and a significantly heavier heart.

Crawling back on to the bed as carefully as he had left it was a bit of a challenge, but with a lot of patience he was able to manage. He curled up a little, not saying anything or doing anything else. There were a lot of things to be felt, but right now he just felt numb. Losing a friend he wasn't even supposed to have shouldn't have felt like this. It felt like he had unwittingly destroyed a small part of himself that he hadn't realized was important. What a horrible, hollow feeling. The only thing that came to fill the void was the weight of a guilty conscious that was, for once, rightly placed.

Bulba stretched back out. Very slowly, he moved a bit closer to Char and carefully hugged his sleeping form. He just needed to hold on to the only good thing that could have come from any of this while he could. He didn't want to admit how afraid he was that this would just be one more thing that he would mess up.

Bulba was, for the record, very careful with his departure and return. That being said, Char's wild years had left a mark; when you happened to be all alone and on fire, you were kind of an easy target for nocturnal predators. Being a light sleeper was a bit of a necessity in that regard. Char might not exactly have needed to worry about being devoured in his sleep nowadays, but force of habit's a stubborn thing. Light as it was, the sensation of contact was enough to nudge Char back into consciousness. Or a very fuzzy, blearly semblance of it, anyway.

The proximity was a bit of a boon to Bulba; with his face out of sight, Char couldn't immediately pick up that something had gone wrong. With no idea how long he'd been out or if Bulba had even moved from his side or not, he kind of just went to the assumption that Bulba was cuddling for cuddling's sake. Everything still okay? Yes, probably. His wing lifted away; he flared them both out in a long, slow stretch. Again, the feeling that he should probably be doing something affectionate -- for lack of a better idea, he let his hand rest on Bulba's hair. Avoiding the ears, of course; they were similar enough to horns that instinct suggested he'd best keep away from them.

That was normally a very excellent idea. Head pats and the like had always been very appreciated forms of contact. They had sort of come to be like quasi-hugs for him. The feeling of fingers in his hair was a very comforting experience. This was generally a good thing. Generally. Most of the time.

A time that might not have been right now. The touch made him stiffen for a moment, surprised. He'd been so caught up in thinking about things that he had only been partially aware that Char had woken up. The hug was somewhat shakily tightened, and Bulba's ears flicked down and back. Well, that was definitely an encouraging indication of things. (Except no. No it wasn't.)

"... Does your talking offer include things you won't like?"

Oh. What? Had he done something wrong? This... usually went over a lot better, didn't it? Yeah, he'd probably done something wrong. Something he'd said? Should he have stayed up, paid a little better attention? Bulba had been more or less content when Char had drifted off, hadn't he? Or had that just been him putting on a brave face? Oh god he didn't know anything anymore. Char quickly retracted his hand, expression quickly shifting somewhere between anxiety and complete and utter bewilderment.

"It'd be a pretty shitty offer if it didn't." Okay. He coud salvage this. This could still work out okay. Just... keep cool and try not to say anything stupid. ...Good god, he was tired.

He nodded. Okay. That was good. Bulba was completely certain that this entire conversation fit into the "didn't like" category. He pulled back slightly, glancing up at Char. Whatever semblance of a brave face he was usually able to pull was notably missing at the moment. He met Char's bewildered look with one that was just really... lonely. That was a good word for it.

"... All of it is my fault. I was stupid and ignorant and..." Bulba paused, realizing he probably wasn't making a lot of sense. He took a deep breath and glanced down, curling his fingers in Char's shirt. "Please don't be mad. I talked to Vinnie."

The first thing Char wanted to do was insist that no, this was not Bulba's fault. Bulba wasn't the one who'd thrown any punches, nor did he have any involvement in deciding what the Charizard did. The only thing Bulba had done was let his team know that someone was being a tit to him. All he'd done was trust Char.

...Or was that what he considered stupid and ignorant?

The denial quickly died in Char's throat once Vinnie's name came up, though. Oh. Oh... no. This was already a no-win scenario, and that same catch-22 had reared its head again: he couldn't escape it without hurting Bulba. The conversation hadn't even properly started yet, and already Char's heart was sinking. Careful to keep his tone neutral, forcing his expression to stay an unreadable poker face, he hesitantly ventured, "...What'd he say?"

Whether Char realized it or not, the effort he put in to keep a neutral tone was doing wonders for the anxiety riddled Ivysaur. It made it much easier to keep the words going, as much as he didn't actually want to be saying them.

"Not much..." Though it was extremely obvious that the few things that had been said had left an impact. "He said... He told me that Marie was missing his Everstone... That's why..." Bulba's grip tightened, and he refused to look up at Char. He knew what this sort of news could mean. One of the memories that had kept floating into Bulba's mind as he laid in thought was a moonlit night bathed in the scent of blood and fire.

"I'm the reason he doesn't have it. I didn't think of saying anything at the time because I let stupid childish feelings get the better of me and... I didn't know what it was and..." And now he was just making dumb excuses for himself.

...Oh. Oh, hell. It had seemed really dumb to Char that Marie wasn't willing to put up more than a token effort at defending himself, especially if Sasha's pride was riding on it as well, but he really hadn't given enough of a crap about Marie to question it too deeply. This explanation, though, this... hit a little close to home. Scarily close to home.

Another thought to stomp down for now. Don't you dare get wrapped up in you when Bulba's looking this anxious. Think it over on your own time.

"It was just a couple hits, Bulba. He's Red's starter. He's been in fights most of his life, and Squirtles are s'posed to be tough anyway." Dear god, was he actually talking up one of Red's? The ass-backwards things he did for this kid. This already felt a little disingenious, a little not-quite-honest, but... well, what else was Bulba expecting him to say? "If you didn't know what it was back then, it ain't like you coulda done anything about this, anyway."

"I should have said something because it was so weird. Who even swallows one of those?" No, wait, Bulba. Bulba you were saying weird things again. Bulba how would it have been your fault if it was swallowed. Bulba you were going to have to explain yourself.

The Ivysaur made an audible growl of anxious frustration in the back of his throat. This was going to be so awkward and weird (as if it wasn't already).

"Nnn... We heart swapped. Valentine's happened." Please god draw your own horrible conclusions there, Char. Bulba didn't want to have to repeat it out loud to you of all people. "It was gross and I heaved his stupid rock. I didn't tell him cause I woke up with my hair chopped off and freaked out." Bulba paused and peeked up at Char. "... I never told you because it was in the past and not worth being upset over when I was just glad to have you back."

And yet there they were, being upset. Ace outcome!

...Ew. Okay, that was very high on the list of things Char would have been okay never thinking about ever. At least there was one little silver lining to this: Char felt less conflicted about smacking Marie around in light of this.

It was getting harder to keep his face cemented into a neutral expression, but he kept trying, anyway. "He ain't a Wartortle. He'll go to the Center, he'll get over it. I mean, you and me never had Everstones, and we never evolved 'til..." Oh. He quickly shut that sentence down. That was nothing he wanted to think about, and talking about his own little problems was just a surefire way to make Bulba even more uneasy. Move the subject along, Char, and do it quick.

"Next time, though, maybe you should let me decide if you're worth bein' upset over or not, hey?" Dang. No, that was not a good thing to have said. That was not comforting at all. Char was very much wishing he just hadn't woken up; this was not going well in the least. "Fuck. I mean, you meant well, but... shit, forget it, it's okay."

Bulba looked back down, shaking his head a little. He already knew that he wasn't worth being upset over. He wasn't worth getting hurt over either. As much as he wanted to say so, he held his tongue. That wasn't the right thing to say.

"You didn't need my issues on top of yours." Maybe it was a little much to assume that Char had been having some troubles just because he took off for a while. There wasn't much saying anything otherwise though. Bulba still had no idea what had happened there. He didn't really expect Char to ever mention it. "Especially not ones that weren't issues anymore… But that doesn't mean I shouldn't have told you."

He drew in a deep sigh. All of these conflicts about what he really should or should not have been doing and all the confusion in between were kind of exhausting to think about.

"I don't even care about Marie that much I just… I'm sick of everything going wrong," he said with a hint of a dull tone creeping into his voice. "I'm tired of hurting everyone I do care about with the stupidest reasons."

Edited 2012-04-17 19:33 (UTC)

Fucking hell. Maybe it was the fact he'd only gotten a few minutes of rest, but he was feeling the beginnings of a headache. This was definitely nothing he had the power to make better; if he was capable of putting a stop to the endless chain of misfortunes that seemed to be in the habit of throwing themselves onto Bulba, he would have done so long ago. Nor did he have some kind of sage pearl of Venusaur wisdom to make weathering that storm easy: that was still something he was struggling with, himself.

"Kid... what does havin' a brother mean to you, exactly? 'Cause I'm thinkin' maybe we got different ideas here." Char dragged a hand through his hair, trying to pick his words carefully. "When y'decided I was gonna be your big brother, you picked me to lay your troubles on, didn't you? I ain't got a single issue that ain't willin' to shove outta the way for yours." He didn't know how else to make it clearer. As horribly as he'd handled the initial coming-out, he'd slowly shelved his own stupid hang-ups and swore to be supportive, old beliefs be damned. For an abandoned Pokemon to keep his own separation anxiety hidden away under lock and key when Green had departed hadn't been an easy task, but it was an effort he'd been willing to make for the sake of Bulba's insecure heart.

"I dunno how fragile you think I am, but I'm a goddamn Charizard. Maybe I can't make everything sunshine and rainbows, and maybe I can't talk for anyone else, but shit, kid. Hurt me as many times as you gotta. Pile all the weight you want on my shoulders. I can take it. The whole point of gettin' yourself a brother is makin' all this stupid bullshit a little easier to handle, ain't it?"

The Ivysaur stayed very still by Char's side, but all of the tension in him seemed to have inexplicably drained away. After a few moments of contemplative thought, mostly consisting of the revelation of how he was [still] an idiot, Bulba nuzzled his face against Char's side and held on to him that much tighter. He wasn't sure if he could really convey this properly through either show or tell but what the hell ever. Between the both of them they made a very dysfunctional pair and some things just really needed to be out in the open more, he decided.

"You already do that..." Bulba paused, trying to figure out how to phrase what it was he wanted to try and say. "It's unrealistic to think that anyone can just magically make things ok, but... It's good. With you." He forced himself to look back up at him, all manner of honest sincerity on his face. "It's safe with you since... you've always been there when I really, really needed you." When everyone else hadn't been there, there had been Char. Even when his trainer was around, it was Char's side that Bulba had actively sought out in the depths of unsleeping nights.

"You're not fragile at all. I just... don't like making you uncomfortable and..." He trailed off a little, feeling just a bit hesitant again. His concerns seemed a little backwards after just saying Char was strong. "... It doesn't seem fair. Who helps you out? I'm a brother too."

"... Just knowing you're here helps."

Who helps him out...? The question threw him off. Not just because he didn't have an answer, but because it was a question he'd never thought to ask before. His knee-jerk instinct was to assert that he simply didn't need anyone's help, because that's just how Charizards work. Looking back, though... a spear ripping through his wing, a few broken ribs as he stood over a Rhydon's body in an illegal ring, a demolished classroom... none of these things really suggested that he was, in fact, doing all that well getting by without help.

He couldn't go laying that on Bulba, though, could he? He already knew that his attempts at opening up just made Bulba... oh. Uncomfortable. Was... was he being hypocritical? It hadn't even occurred to him that maybe this was supposed to be a two-way street; with so little base his understanding of being a big brother on, he'd already clued in on the obligation to be a protector, but he hadn't really stopped to consider that this was meant to be a little more symbiotic than that.

It was just as puzzling to think Bulba would claim he'd always been there; so much of his own beliefs about the debt he owed the kid revolved around the times that he hadn't been there. How could anyone think of him as safe, let alone a kid he'd hurt so much? Maybe... he was still learning how this whole brotherhood thing really worked.

Instinct still had him reluctant to touch Bulba's ears, so he settled for the closest thing. His hand shifted, thumb idly stroking just under the base of one of Bulba's ears while he mulled it over. Finally he spoke up, a little tentative, a little unsure, but not guarded: "Call me crazy, but I'm kinda startin' to think if we just stopped thinkin' of reasons to not speak up, this wouldn't be so complicated after all."

Char probably could have gotten away with not saying anything else at all. The initiative of contact was more than enough to let Bulba know that he hadn't said anything over the line or something like that. While not the ear itself, there was still a minute shiver as the initial touch of Char's thumb tickled. That quickly gave way to a pleasant, calming sensation. Bulba's eyes eased closed while Char sorted out his thoughts, his ear occasionally flicking in response to the nearby touch.

The dragon's voice brought him back to attention.

"You're crazy," Bulba complied softly. "... but I get the feeling that you're probably right, so I guess I'm pretty crazy too."

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no how could I resist this bedtime present

dangit bret quit stayin' up

NEVER

i punch u

n o

>:c

u_u

;:T

BD

8'|

=v=

(´∩｀。)

(◕⌓ ◕)

╥﹏╥

⁽(◕ᴥ◕ ∪ ϡ

mameshiba GET OUT no room for facts here

DID YOU KNOW . . .

noooooo

. . . BROTERS HURT MY HEART

ME TOO, MAMESHIBA, ME TOO

⁽(TTᴥTT ∪ ϡ