smash_logs | (no subject)

Oh. What? Had he done something wrong? This... usually went over a lot better, didn't it? Yeah, he'd probably done something wrong. Something he'd said? Should he have stayed up, paid a little better attention? Bulba had been more or less content when Char had drifted off, hadn't he? Or had that just been him putting on a brave face? Oh god he didn't know anything anymore. Char quickly retracted his hand, expression quickly shifting somewhere between anxiety and complete and utter bewilderment.

"It'd be a pretty shitty offer if it didn't." Okay. He coud salvage this. This could still work out okay. Just... keep cool and try not to say anything stupid. ...Good god, he was tired.

He nodded. Okay. That was good. Bulba was completely certain that this entire conversation fit into the "didn't like" category. He pulled back slightly, glancing up at Char. Whatever semblance of a brave face he was usually able to pull was notably missing at the moment. He met Char's bewildered look with one that was just really... lonely. That was a good word for it.

"... All of it is my fault. I was stupid and ignorant and..." Bulba paused, realizing he probably wasn't making a lot of sense. He took a deep breath and glanced down, curling his fingers in Char's shirt. "Please don't be mad. I talked to Vinnie."

The first thing Char wanted to do was insist that no, this was not Bulba's fault. Bulba wasn't the one who'd thrown any punches, nor did he have any involvement in deciding what the Charizard did. The only thing Bulba had done was let his team know that someone was being a tit to him. All he'd done was trust Char.

...Or was that what he considered stupid and ignorant?

The denial quickly died in Char's throat once Vinnie's name came up, though. Oh. Oh... no. This was already a no-win scenario, and that same catch-22 had reared its head again: he couldn't escape it without hurting Bulba. The conversation hadn't even properly started yet, and already Char's heart was sinking. Careful to keep his tone neutral, forcing his expression to stay an unreadable poker face, he hesitantly ventured, "...What'd he say?"

Whether Char realized it or not, the effort he put in to keep a neutral tone was doing wonders for the anxiety riddled Ivysaur. It made it much easier to keep the words going, as much as he didn't actually want to be saying them.

"Not much..." Though it was extremely obvious that the few things that had been said had left an impact. "He said... He told me that Marie was missing his Everstone... That's why..." Bulba's grip tightened, and he refused to look up at Char. He knew what this sort of news could mean. One of the memories that had kept floating into Bulba's mind as he laid in thought was a moonlit night bathed in the scent of blood and fire.

"I'm the reason he doesn't have it. I didn't think of saying anything at the time because I let stupid childish feelings get the better of me and... I didn't know what it was and..." And now he was just making dumb excuses for himself.

...Oh. Oh, hell. It had seemed really dumb to Char that Marie wasn't willing to put up more than a token effort at defending himself, especially if Sasha's pride was riding on it as well, but he really hadn't given enough of a crap about Marie to question it too deeply. This explanation, though, this... hit a little close to home. Scarily close to home.

Another thought to stomp down for now. Don't you dare get wrapped up in you when Bulba's looking this anxious. Think it over on your own time.

"It was just a couple hits, Bulba. He's Red's starter. He's been in fights most of his life, and Squirtles are s'posed to be tough anyway." Dear god, was he actually talking up one of Red's? The ass-backwards things he did for this kid. This already felt a little disingenious, a little not-quite-honest, but... well, what else was Bulba expecting him to say? "If you didn't know what it was back then, it ain't like you coulda done anything about this, anyway."

"I should have said something because it was so weird. Who even swallows one of those?" No, wait, Bulba. Bulba you were saying weird things again. Bulba how would it have been your fault if it was swallowed. Bulba you were going to have to explain yourself.

The Ivysaur made an audible growl of anxious frustration in the back of his throat. This was going to be so awkward and weird (as if it wasn't already).

"Nnn... We heart swapped. Valentine's happened." Please god draw your own horrible conclusions there, Char. Bulba didn't want to have to repeat it out loud to you of all people. "It was gross and I heaved his stupid rock. I didn't tell him cause I woke up with my hair chopped off and freaked out." Bulba paused and peeked up at Char. "... I never told you because it was in the past and not worth being upset over when I was just glad to have you back."

And yet there they were, being upset. Ace outcome!

...Ew. Okay, that was very high on the list of things Char would have been okay never thinking about ever. At least there was one little silver lining to this: Char felt less conflicted about smacking Marie around in light of this.

It was getting harder to keep his face cemented into a neutral expression, but he kept trying, anyway. "He ain't a Wartortle. He'll go to the Center, he'll get over it. I mean, you and me never had Everstones, and we never evolved 'til..." Oh. He quickly shut that sentence down. That was nothing he wanted to think about, and talking about his own little problems was just a surefire way to make Bulba even more uneasy. Move the subject along, Char, and do it quick.

"Next time, though, maybe you should let me decide if you're worth bein' upset over or not, hey?" Dang. No, that was not a good thing to have said. That was not comforting at all. Char was very much wishing he just hadn't woken up; this was not going well in the least. "Fuck. I mean, you meant well, but... shit, forget it, it's okay."

Bulba looked back down, shaking his head a little. He already knew that he wasn't worth being upset over. He wasn't worth getting hurt over either. As much as he wanted to say so, he held his tongue. That wasn't the right thing to say.

"You didn't need my issues on top of yours." Maybe it was a little much to assume that Char had been having some troubles just because he took off for a while. There wasn't much saying anything otherwise though. Bulba still had no idea what had happened there. He didn't really expect Char to ever mention it. "Especially not ones that weren't issues anymore… But that doesn't mean I shouldn't have told you."

He drew in a deep sigh. All of these conflicts about what he really should or should not have been doing and all the confusion in between were kind of exhausting to think about.

"I don't even care about Marie that much I just… I'm sick of everything going wrong," he said with a hint of a dull tone creeping into his voice. "I'm tired of hurting everyone I do care about with the stupidest reasons."

Edited 2012-04-17 19:33 (UTC)

Fucking hell. Maybe it was the fact he'd only gotten a few minutes of rest, but he was feeling the beginnings of a headache. This was definitely nothing he had the power to make better; if he was capable of putting a stop to the endless chain of misfortunes that seemed to be in the habit of throwing themselves onto Bulba, he would have done so long ago. Nor did he have some kind of sage pearl of Venusaur wisdom to make weathering that storm easy: that was still something he was struggling with, himself.

"Kid... what does havin' a brother mean to you, exactly? 'Cause I'm thinkin' maybe we got different ideas here." Char dragged a hand through his hair, trying to pick his words carefully. "When y'decided I was gonna be your big brother, you picked me to lay your troubles on, didn't you? I ain't got a single issue that ain't willin' to shove outta the way for yours." He didn't know how else to make it clearer. As horribly as he'd handled the initial coming-out, he'd slowly shelved his own stupid hang-ups and swore to be supportive, old beliefs be damned. For an abandoned Pokemon to keep his own separation anxiety hidden away under lock and key when Green had departed hadn't been an easy task, but it was an effort he'd been willing to make for the sake of Bulba's insecure heart.

"I dunno how fragile you think I am, but I'm a goddamn Charizard. Maybe I can't make everything sunshine and rainbows, and maybe I can't talk for anyone else, but shit, kid. Hurt me as many times as you gotta. Pile all the weight you want on my shoulders. I can take it. The whole point of gettin' yourself a brother is makin' all this stupid bullshit a little easier to handle, ain't it?"

The Ivysaur stayed very still by Char's side, but all of the tension in him seemed to have inexplicably drained away. After a few moments of contemplative thought, mostly consisting of the revelation of how he was [still] an idiot, Bulba nuzzled his face against Char's side and held on to him that much tighter. He wasn't sure if he could really convey this properly through either show or tell but what the hell ever. Between the both of them they made a very dysfunctional pair and some things just really needed to be out in the open more, he decided.

"You already do that..." Bulba paused, trying to figure out how to phrase what it was he wanted to try and say. "It's unrealistic to think that anyone can just magically make things ok, but... It's good. With you." He forced himself to look back up at him, all manner of honest sincerity on his face. "It's safe with you since... you've always been there when I really, really needed you." When everyone else hadn't been there, there had been Char. Even when his trainer was around, it was Char's side that Bulba had actively sought out in the depths of unsleeping nights.

"You're not fragile at all. I just... don't like making you uncomfortable and..." He trailed off a little, feeling just a bit hesitant again. His concerns seemed a little backwards after just saying Char was strong. "... It doesn't seem fair. Who helps you out? I'm a brother too."

"... Just knowing you're here helps."

Who helps him out...? The question threw him off. Not just because he didn't have an answer, but because it was a question he'd never thought to ask before. His knee-jerk instinct was to assert that he simply didn't need anyone's help, because that's just how Charizards work. Looking back, though... a spear ripping through his wing, a few broken ribs as he stood over a Rhydon's body in an illegal ring, a demolished classroom... none of these things really suggested that he was, in fact, doing all that well getting by without help.

He couldn't go laying that on Bulba, though, could he? He already knew that his attempts at opening up just made Bulba... oh. Uncomfortable. Was... was he being hypocritical? It hadn't even occurred to him that maybe this was supposed to be a two-way street; with so little base his understanding of being a big brother on, he'd already clued in on the obligation to be a protector, but he hadn't really stopped to consider that this was meant to be a little more symbiotic than that.

It was just as puzzling to think Bulba would claim he'd always been there; so much of his own beliefs about the debt he owed the kid revolved around the times that he hadn't been there. How could anyone think of him as safe, let alone a kid he'd hurt so much? Maybe... he was still learning how this whole brotherhood thing really worked.

Instinct still had him reluctant to touch Bulba's ears, so he settled for the closest thing. His hand shifted, thumb idly stroking just under the base of one of Bulba's ears while he mulled it over. Finally he spoke up, a little tentative, a little unsure, but not guarded: "Call me crazy, but I'm kinda startin' to think if we just stopped thinkin' of reasons to not speak up, this wouldn't be so complicated after all."

Char probably could have gotten away with not saying anything else at all. The initiative of contact was more than enough to let Bulba know that he hadn't said anything over the line or something like that. While not the ear itself, there was still a minute shiver as the initial touch of Char's thumb tickled. That quickly gave way to a pleasant, calming sensation. Bulba's eyes eased closed while Char sorted out his thoughts, his ear occasionally flicking in response to the nearby touch.

The dragon's voice brought him back to attention.

"You're crazy," Bulba complied softly. "... but I get the feeling that you're probably right, so I guess I'm pretty crazy too."

"Glad you agree, 'cause I'm pretty sure I'm talkin' out my ass." He was still stupidly tired and the mood was a bit too soft for laughing, so a quick little lopsided smile was going to have to do.

"Anyway, kid... what don't kill you makes you stronger. You and Marie both. Everything's kinda lookin' shit right now, but..." He was reluctant to actually say that they'd maybe taken a step forward, in case if saying it out loud would jinx it, or some other new calamity would pop up five minutes later to ruin their progress. He settled for a twitch of the shoulders, almost a shrug. "You get what I'm sayin'."

It was hard to say exactly where Bulba's roller coaster of emotions had decided to settle. There was still a deep sense of loss dragging him down. It was a loss of a part of himself that Bulba didn't know how to begin describing in ways that Char might understand. He wondered if losing the companionship of the only Saur he knew would be something he could actually walk away stronger from. The dull numbness left behind might have gotten to him more if it hadn't been for warmth that Char had managed to bring back. This part, right here and now, made Bulba happy. Something had shifted for the better here between them, he was pretty sure. That was wonderful. Bulba just wished he could have been enjoying it better.

The two polar opposite emotions of gain and loss left Bulba stranded in the middle.

Smiling felt grossly inappropriate for him to be doing at the moment. The one he returned to Char was small and somewhat faltering, but it existed. That would have to do for now.

"Yeah, I get it," he said with a small nod. "I'm glad for that, at least... Sorry for waking you up."

Yeah, it was one more case where it was one of those not-quite-a-triumph situations, but at least it wasn't a complete loss. With nothing being said about where Bulba stood with Vinnie, Char wasn't quite sure what to make of it -- whether the guilt over Marie's situation was weighing that heavily or if there was some other unfathomable mystery conflict going on behind those spots, he could only guess.

Still, he'd take what he could get. He'd already been given much more than he'd asked for today.

"S'alright, kid," Char mumbled in response. "How long was I out, anyway...?"

At least in this case, though it wasn't going to be very clear to Char, Bulba's silence on the issue wasn't because he was intending on holding out on him. It was just probably easier to try and wrap your mind around something unfamiliar when you had a better rest, and Bulba was aware that he had sort of screwed up the opportunity for this to happen to Char. One convoluted conversation per overtaxed body at a time.

"Uh... I'm not sure," Bulba admitted. "I haven't been paying attention to what time it is... A little while, though."

"Well, whatever." He lifted his wings away, their tips brusing the wall as he gave a good stretch -- the only part of his body he really could stretch with an Ivysaur snuggled up, but it was good enough for him. "Guess I'm up now." He made no effort to get up off his side, though; he may not have known what had Bulba down, but if he wanted to keep staying close, he was still fuzzy-headed and fatigued enough that he wasn't gonna argue.

There were still things remaining unsaid -- the mark on Char's shoulder and the shattered friendship it stood for still hadn't been mentioned, and now that he and Bulba had made some promising little hints at progress he wanted to chase after that rare little glimpse of open truth with typical Charizard stubborn tenacity, poisoning aftermath or no. Still, Char knew from experience that getting someone who didn't fully trust to open up was a process that had to be done on their terms or not at all.

So, Char simply settled for a yawn. "Got some chocolate almonds in the snack drawer if you want 'em. Can't promise I'll be entertainin', but you can stick around until you're feelin' better."

Whatever that mystery mark was on Char's shoulder, it was another topic that Bulba wasn't sure if he should breach on his own. How bad would it be if he were the one to make the first move on that? It was bound to be awkward either way, but Char was probably going to have to bring this one up first. Bulba couldn't pry Char's problems out of him anymore than Char could his. Then again, if it really was going to be awkward either way, and this was the sort of thing that Char decided would be best to just keep quiet about...

But for now, there were chocolate almonds to consider. Being hungry or not wasn't really an issue, since when was he ever actually hungry, but he wasn't sure how much he actually felt up to eating. Char being willing to share from his precious almond trove was an unprecedented event, however, and was something to be capitalized on. Bulba shifted a little, and a vine crept out to go snooping in the drawer he knew was the snack one.

"I'm not expecting you to be entertaining anyway," Bulba assured him meanwhile. There was another small flicker of a smile. "Just being around is enough for me."

Suddenly snacks. Bulba took only a precious few almonds to himself to nibble on thoughtfully. He didn't know how better he would really feel. Maybe he should just go ahead and bring it up anyway. Hrrmph. He offered the rest of the chocolate delights to Char, though he wasn't how up to eating the Charizard might have been at the moment.

Or the next moment for that matter. Bulba decided to try and take the plunge, even if it was a little bold for him. He spoke with a calm curiosity of someone who just really honestly wanted to know the answer. "… Hey Char? Did you ever intend to mention the tattoo?"

Edited 2012-04-23 06:44 (UTC)

Normally, Char would never refuse chocolate almonds, but Toxic kind of had a way of being a very effective appetite suppressant. Char would be very okay with not putting anything edible anywhere near his uneasy chewed-up insides thank you very much. He just shook his head, then shifted so he could bury his face in the pillow. Uuuughhh.

This turned out to be a very serendipitous move, because oh hello very awkward change of subject. Bulba knew? He supposed it wasn't impossible that Green or maybe Max had clued him in. That spared Char a very uneasy conversation, at least; if he knew it existed, then he probably knew why it existed, too.

Of course, that also meant Char had to explain exactly why he'd been hiding something as difficult to hide as that. There was basically no excuse that he could supply that Bulba hadn't already used on him. Sure, it was different when it came from the big brother (wasn't it?), but he was still acutely aware this was not his best Role Model Moment.

"I was thinkin' you had other stuff on your mind," he finally mumbled into his pillow, fully aware how lame it sounded.

The chocolate almonds were wisely returned to their home for a later time.

... Yeah that was kind of lame. Bulba found it was rather hard to get really upset over it, since they had already established that he had been plenty of guilty of pulling the exact same thing. He gave a little sigh instead.

"I probably did," he admitted. "But I'll always be here to listen if you have something to say. It doesn't matter what I'm thinking about, okay?" Did that sound familiar, Char? Yeah it did.

Yeah, total deja vu here. Char was still going to venture that "oh crap my brother passed out in a poisoned little pile of ick" and "I look like someone ran over my puppy for Everstone-related reasons I guess" were crushing enough that bringing up body art would have been a very unwelcome out-of-place topic shift.

...No excuse for the parts before that, admittedly, other than dumb Charizard pride. He was not especially proud of looking weak, and looking weak in front of his little brother was even worse. There was also the very delicate complication that Max was very much Bulba's friend. That was... something. Char was getting kind of really tired of being the reason that good things in Bulba's life tended to get ruined.

Char shifted to look at Bulba, a little unsure how to proceed. The invitation was right there, laid bare for him, but... "You talked to Max about it, or did you hear it off Green?" Maybe it would be easier if he got a feel for where he lay; maybe it'd make him feel better to confess just how much it stung to have a friend pull something so fucked-up, but what good would that do if it made Bulba feel he had to martyr one more of his precious few bonds?

It made him feel a bit better that at least Green knew. Of course Green knew. It didn't surprise him that Green hadn't mentioned it to him either. However close he and Green were, Bulba knew there was something special about the bond he and Char shared. It was out of Bulba's reach. If Char wanted something underwraps, then Bulba was sure it would have stayed that way.

Unless other people decided to speak up.

"Max told me." Bulba looked back at Char, expectant but patient. "I want to hear your side."

Edited 2012-04-23 08:20 (UTC)

Oh. He probably should have expected as much. He really hoped that Max had at least kept his storytelling to Bulba and Bulba alone, but considering Max was... Max... news of Char's badge of shame had probably reached another few unwelcome ears.

And now it was time to explain something that was not exactly easy to explain. Given how much he struggled to understand how grass-types worked, he wasn't entirely confident that Bulba could understand him in return; he suspected that his daily fights with Max would only come across as immature instigating, and that Max getting fed up with it just the inevitable (albeit extreme) response. Not entirely sure how to convey it, he just settled for the blunt truth.

He shrugged as best as he could, pulling his wings in a little closer to himself. "He got sick of me challengin' him. Wanted to make sure I knew my place, I guess."

When it came down strictly to the differences between fire-types and grass-types, it was true that Bulba had a hard time trying to grasp the differences between them. There was just a disconnect between a species so deeply rooted in the concept of coexistence and one whose pride of self kept them clawing above the rest. Bulba didn't honestly think he'd ever truly understand the fires that made fire-types who they were, but he at least had hopes that he'd be able to figure Char out. He was the only one that mattered anyway ~~until someone apps an Arcanine~~.

He thought maybe he could think about it a little better if he didn't think about the differences. Sure, it might not have been the same hot blooded kind that pumped through a Charizard, but a saur wasn't without its pride. It could be tested and measured just like any other. It could be broken.

Bulba imagined it was similar to the feeling that came when you realized that the person you were struggling to catch up with didn't even care that you were trying to pass them anymore. That it wasn't worth the effort.

He could only imagine how much it would hurt to have someone else stake claim on him. It was a little frightening.

It was also a bit maddening. The Ivysaur grumbled at Char's side. This wasn't right at all. Who would have thought that seeing a more subdued Char would have made him so mad? It remained a quiet rumble inside for the moment, though his brows creased as he continued to watch Char.

Not knowing what else he could say, he just went with what he believed. "That's not where your place is."

~~damn you arcaniiiine~~

Char's gaze flicked down to his shoulder for a moment. "It is now."

It was hard to argue with the pecking order; since Charizards really weren't so good at the whole "equal coexistence where everyone is happy friends" thing, establishing a top Charizard was a necessity for them to live together without tearing each other apart over territory. It was probably for the better that Sasha was so opposed to the ways of her kind; her lack of interest in challenging him had made it easy to file her beneath him. The abnormality of their circumstances had made the Route 10 Charizards so weak, too, that asserting dominance had been utterly simple.

"The real stupid part of it," Char mumbled, "is how goddamn happy I was that he was a Charizard in the first place." At the start of the week, he'd been ecstatic -- a very contradictory sort of ecstatic, considering how unbelievably pissed he'd been about being usurped, and how he'd spent a lot of the time after in sullen obedience. But it'd been a good kind of anger -- he was mad for exactly the right reasons. How the hell, though, do you explain to a docile please-everyone grass-type that there was a happiness to be had in the act of competing? This had to be something uniquely Charizard, one of those entirely unexplainable things; he already knew that Bulba didn't care for his habit of picking fights at every chance.

"Sasha's too tame to get it. Riwane's still a Charmander, and they ain't wired like we are. Max... he got it. He understood what bein' a Charizard's like. I'm happy bein' Green's, but livin' tame means curbin' a lot of things." He was already excessively Charizard as is -- his fights made his brother worry, his wanderlust made his team miss him, his need for isolation and independence made it so goddamned hard to just talk to Bulba about what was on his mind. "I don't... got a lot of people that understand me," he admitted, albeit reluctantly -- he wasn't sure if Bulba believed he was one of those people, "and I don't got a lot of chances to let go and be how I'm s'posed to be. I thought..."

Oh. Here was the hardest part to admit. He might be willing to tolerate contact for the sake of putting Bulba at ease, but this, apparently, was the point where he got uncomfortable and tried to pull away. Find something to look at other than Bulba. Shift his wings and curl his tail and and then immediately reconsider that last one because Bulba probably did not want to be very close to a tail flame. Basically have no idea what to do with himself, because he had no idea how to lay this sort of feeling bare, even after four years of working on this kind of shit. Eventually, he settled for sitting up; this kept him out of physical contact, and had the bonus of letting him drape his wings around himself, like that barrier would somehow magically render him invisible.

C'mon, Char, spit it out. It's not that hard.

"I thought it'd be okay 'cause he was my friend."

He said it quietly, but as soon as it left his mouth, he had to bite back the urge to follow it up with too-loud laughter. How stupid did that even sound? Him, Char, Kerosene... trusting a human and then getting all shocked when that turned out to be a piss-awful idea. It kind of was laughable, wasn't it?

8'|

=v=

(´∩｀。)

(◕⌓ ◕)

╥﹏╥

⁽(◕ᴥ◕ ∪ ϡ

mameshiba GET OUT no room for facts here

DID YOU KNOW . . .

noooooo

. . . BROTERS HURT MY HEART

ME TOO, MAMESHIBA, ME TOO

⁽(TTᴥTT ∪ ϡ

(TT︿TT)ﾉ

⁽(◡ᴥ◡ ∪ ϡ

and then this tag was really short and lame

nope

yeeeep

this week in tagging out of order

pssshhhht order is for chumps

\<_>/

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this tag composed by the biggest brainfart oh my god <_>

I AM SO SORRY I DON'T KNOW HOW THIS HAPPENED