Making himself a little too "at home"

[ivantheterrible]

Who: Raikov and faculty (plus any students who want to sneak in)
What: Ivan's settling in and he raids the faculty fridge and gets confused by technology
Where: Teacher's lounge
When: 12/27, afternoon
Warnings: prepare for snark. certain canonmates prepare for more.

Raikov must have spent at least two hours working on all that paperwork. Then, after that, he was given his key and left to his own devices. He was a gym teacher--what did they take him for?! Years of Spetsnaz training, and now he's teaching brats how to run in circles and do push-ups! As furious as he was, this was a nice distraction from the dismal rut he'd been in the last few months, but that didn't mean he was going to stop complaining and being unsatisfied!

The uniform guidelines they wanted for him were insulting too; he wouldn't be caught dead in ugly red "gym shorts". He'd continue to wear his Major's uniform, sans the shoulder-strap and holsters (they took his weapons!), if it killed him.

He would be feared here, just like he was at Groznyj Grad if he got his way...

Nobody made a fool out of Ivan Raikov! At least not three times in a row.

~*~

Some time passed and Ivan's broiling temper cools down into a simmering discontent. He found his room (first one on the second floor--it's as if they knew he was better than them) and once inside he just threw his class schedule on to the floor, stepped back out into the hall and slammed the door shut behind him. Ivan knew he saw a lounge on the way up here, and that meant food; he was famished

A couple minutes of backtracking later and he's back at the lounge, immediately making a beeline for the refrigerator. All those lunches and left-overs in the fridge? It was his now! The only problem is he couldn't seem to locate an oven, and his eyes glazed right on past the microwave, writing it off as "some sort of windowed safe".

In the end, Raikov sat at the table and ate cold soup, sandwiches and take-out as he gazed over at the active TV set. Where was the channel dial? How did they make it so thin?

The questions never ended, but unfortunately the food would, and then he would be unfortunated enough to remember what a dump his life had had to become in order to land him here.

Comments

[obfuskate]

Just where Raikov sat, one chair over, is a cute little pillow, looking much like a hedgehog-type thing, all curled up and sleepy. The academy sure did like to go wild with its decor, if not being a little unconventional, huh? It looks a bit strange and outrageous, but aw, look, it even has eye-opening technology! How could one not love it?

Or... no. Now it's lifting its head and blearily gazing around. Now it's even yawning. Is that really another marvel of technology like the microwave and the TV?

"Nnn..."

Oh, it even makes noises. That's not right, isn't it? It's even looking at Raikov and clearly recognizing him as a living, breathing creature. Golly gee whiz, this thing has AI!

Or--

No, it's breathing, too.

Yeah, it's kind of not a pillow. It's an actual, living Shadow the Hedgehog, staring at him like he's a scraggly emu in a flock of male peacocks.

"You could have used the microwave."

[ivantheterrible]

Raikov openly stared the entire time, and when it finally becomes apparent that that thing is not a pillow, he has to wonder what exactly it is. It seemed too big to be a hedgehog (hell, it barely looked like one) so maybe it was some bizarre breed of dog. Or an undiscovered species. Maybe if he caught it he would gain world fame and get out of this dump and back on top where he belonged.

Just as Ivan began contemplating ways to capture the strange creature, it talked, and the first thing he did after that accidentally drop his sandwich onto the floor--mayo and ham, everywhere!

All he could manage to say after a good long minute of staring, his mind reeling as it tried to find a suitable explanation that didn't end with the words fairytale or children's cartoon was, "My...crow wave?"

[obfuskate]

Oh, no, another one of those people with a lack of knowledge for common technology. Great. Shadow was so very excited.

"The... microwave," he informed him, subtly tossing his head to the side, into the direction of the funny-looking 'safe'. "You could have heated your soup with it. That is common knowledge."

His dull, sleepy eyes trailed tiredly to the floor, staring curiously, albeit disgusted, at the heap of meat and mayo. "I hope you aren't planning on eating that after you dropped it." Gross.

[ivantheterrible]

Raikov didn't like the look this hedgehog-dog was giving him, which reminded him he wanted to ask about that, that and the talking thing, but he just couldn't figure out how to word it. Talking about the "my-crow-wave" was easier.

"Never...heard of it," he spoke slowly, obviously thinking about something else as he narrowed his eyes and learned forward slightly to take a closer look at Shadow.

"Where's this my-crow-wave?"

Ivan's eyes followed Shadow's gaze to the sandwich on the floor, and his mouth pulls into a frown, "Uh...no, of course not."

He would have eaten it actually, but not after Shadow mentioned it.

[obfuskate]

Good. At least this man had enough decency to not eat scraps off of the floor like a dog. However, Shadow wasn't about to stand letting that nasty mess lay around below him. He sat up, giving a nice, long, savored stretch, and hopped right to work.

"Microwave." Goodness, that unintelligent emphasis was enough to drive him mildly bonkers. "It is the square-shaped, white machine with the grey, see-through screen. Put the soup in there for forty-five seconds."

In the meantime, he scooped some of the sandwich into his palm, and... ew, mayonnaise was getting all over his hand. He crinkled his nose and made a beeline for the nearby trash can.

Nope. NOPE. If there was one thing he hated more than anything else, it was a repugnant, oily condiment. Gross.

[ivantheterrible]

That's right, Ivan is the pinnacle of decency.

When Shadow described the microwave, he looked right over a what he thought was a safe earlier. It was hard to believe that thing would heat up his food, but hey, he'd try it as long as it meant not having to ask about the whole talking-animal thing for a little longer. Besides, his stomach beckoned for hot food.

He decided to contently watch Shadow clean up his mess first though, smiling to himself. It reminded him of the GRU back at Groznyj Grad that he would make clean up for him all the time--except shorter, and fuzzier.

Having had his fill of ego-stroking, Ivan finally got up and headed to the microwave. He gave it a skeptical look before yanking the door open and placing his bowl of soup (with metal spoon) inside.

Once he set the timer and pressed start, the microwave started to make an ominous sound as it started sparking inside.

He tilted his head and mumbled, "That's interesting..."

[shirtphobia]

Liquid's own temper was more of the type to writhe beneath the surface in the buildup to a fantastic explosion. Like lava thrashing beneath the rocky terrain in a grouchy fit of frustration, he threw the homework he'd just finished marking onto the table and vaulted up to his feet. Survival decreed that the body be taken care of. He would not allow this... desk work to make him weak.

First, he decided, was food. Then training. Lots of training. He wasn't going to let his body weaken. His paranoia allowed his food to be safely secured in a miniature safe within the fridge. The alternative was to store it outside, and there he was sure a creature of some sort would eat it. He was a survival expert, but that didn't mean he was willing to hunt down all of his food always. He had procured the safe precisely to deal with that. Precious rations stored within a precious safe in a chilled environment. Minimal chance of poisoning, or food theft! Perfect for those few lax moments - as long as he remembered where the key was.

Absently, he made a note to get some chains as he headed towards the lounge. It wasn't often he came in there, solitary as he was, but he wasn't a total recluse. Today seemed like a day for rations.

...

The door was shut. Well now. His boot would take care of that.

Ka-THUD!

[ivantheterrible]

It wasn't long before Ivan had wolfed down all the food he'd stolen and he was back at the fridge for more. The only problem was the thing was empty! All that was left in it's chilly interior was a small safe.

Raikov narrowed his eyes at that safe, leaning in until his head was almost inside the fridge as he scrutinized the object.

What was a safe doing in a fridge? What kind of glorious contents could it hold?

His curiosity was too much! Ivan reached inside and hefted the surprisingly heavy safe out before backtracking and letting it slam down on the table. He positioned himself in front of it and rubbed his hands together as he flashed a toothy grin.

Now, he knew nothing about safe cracking, but how hard could it be?

The answer? Very hard. He tried pressing his ear to the safe and spinning the dial randomly, he tried dropping it onto the floor a few times--he even tried prying it open with a fork! In the end, all he managed to do was dent the floor and break a fork.

Then the door slammed open and Raikov dropped the safe again, this time just barely missing his own foot as he let out a yelp and jumped back.

"Knock before you just barge in!" His accent was thick.

[shirtphobia]

"Are you an idiot?" Liquid asked, coolly. "This is a public area. I'm not required to knock."

His eyes narrowed slightly at the sight of the safe on the floor. Treachery and betrayal. As expected in a place such as this. Striding across the floor, he stooped to pick up the safe and check it for damage. Of course, it was unopened. Such a relief. Although he didn't expect otherwise seeing as the foreigner appeared to have absolutely no equipment.

He knew that accent, at least. It was Eastern European. Ukraine? Or Russia? Hard to tell. Ocelot would know better than he did, he supposed, but damned if he was going to go hunting for that man just to figure this out. "That said, if we're on the subject of manners, I suggest not trying to break into someone else's property in a common room. At the very least, try taking it elsewhere while nobody is around. You'll have better results that way."

[ivantheterrible]

"Whatever," came Ivan's witty, flustered retort. He surveyed Liquid with narrowed eyes as he stepped into the room, all while trying his best to look totally innocent and not guilty despite the safe that was sitting lopsided at his feet.

Of course Liquid had to come over and bring the safe up right as Ivan was shuffling away, like the entitled Yankee bastard that he was. His accent stuck out like a sore thumb too, even to Ivan.

"Oh, okay. Thanks," he shot Liquid a mocking smirk, white teeth peeking out from behind his lips. "I'll keep that in mind for next time."

[shirtphobia]

Coolly, he scoffed at the smirk. "If you do, don't bother to bring it back. It'll have been compromised."

Lifting a hand, he tugged the key from where it hung beside his dog tags, dangling it on one finger like the cocktease that he was. "Well, I suppose it doesn't matter. You didn't even have safecracking equipment with you. The only way you could have gotten this open would be to blow the lock."

And even if he had, the most he'd have found would have been crappy rations. Liquid wasn't exactly willing to blow all his money on food.

[trustycrowbar]

The "channel dial" for the television that Raikov was looking for had a new lease on life as a slim black remote control, that was now in the clutches of that gangly-looking bespectacled man in a labcoat draped on a different couch.

Raikov probably doesn't even notice until that documentary on 1940's Russian military generals is suddenly changed to an ad for a full-body fur shampoo, then a weird music video featuring a big-lipped pop star and two arcanines, then a documentary about high-energy leptons and how they relate to smash ball energy.

[ivantheterrible]

Ivan actually made a slight jump backwards when thing started flipping through channels--he looked around the room briefly and spotted Gordon, but he looked away so quickly he didn't have a chance to connect-two-and-two. Eventually, he figured the TV must have been getting bad reception.

So, naturally, he decided to get up and smack it. Smacking things usually fixed them. Unfortunately when he smacked it with all the force one usually uses when smacking a 1960s television set, that slim, lightweight modern design couldn't quite handle it. It scooted off to the left and hit the wall, denting the framework and leaving a nasty scuff.

But hey, the channels stopped flipping!

[loveisbloominginmypants]

Snake had made a habit of doing much campus traveling via vents - where possible. It certainly had its pluses. Getting into the girls' locker room for one. The bathroom was a possibility, but even Snake had boundaries. It helped that he'd not forgotten Meryl's instantaneous scolding when he'd followed after her.

But to be fair, he probably would have done it again. He'd suggested Raiden to do the same thing, after all. Old habits died hard.

He'd had every intention to cross over the teachers' lounge and leave it at that, but he was immediately drawn onto Raikov. Mostly because of the hair. It... looked like Raiden. A little. Snake had not gotten enough time with him before he'd finally left, and if he ever came back, he had every intent to remedy that.

When Raikov turned, however, Snake realised he didn't know the man at all. Huh. New staff, he thought as he cocked an eyebrow. All the more better to settle in and watch for a few moments. Well... eavesdrop anyway.

Assuming something didn't go wrong.

[ivantheterrible]

Unfortunately for Snake, Ivan didn't make too much of a habit of talking to himself, so the first ten minutes of Snake's eavesdropping was mostly just the obnoxious sound of Raikov eating.

Things switched up a bit he went back to the fridge for more and let out a whine of disappointment. "That's it? I'm going to starve in this dump..."

This was a typical Yankee ploy to keep their employees by the balls; starve them, and they'll do anything!

Ivan started to haphazardly search the cabinets. He needed something else to eat, because he was hungry, not just because it distracted him from other things!

Eventually he stopped and leant back against the wall in defeat. He'd found some snacks, but after eating a couple of those he couldn't bear anymore--they were too sweet--they were candy, not food.

"Why did they send me here?"

Part of his words were too mumbled to hear, "...disgraceful..."

[loveisbloominginmypants]

Discovering Raikov's eating habits - the particularly finicky kind - was a bit obnoxious. Snake couldn't help but think of better uses for his time. Except he seemed to know that if he started crawling around again between the silence when Raikov wasn't complaining, he wasn't going to be able be as inconspicuous as he would have liked.

Sneaking suit was one thing. But the vents were old and even they were guilty of creaking from time to time. So it was less to do with Snake's capable infiltration and more the condition of the academy. But even a school couldn't be perfect.

Finally, he shifted just enough to settle his chin in the palm of his hand. Might as well get comfortable. This is going to drag on forever. With his other hand, he patted himself down for his pack of cigs. No better way to get situated.

"If you don't like it, just go back." Like it was that easy. And Snake had an feeling it wasn't going to be. So maybe he was mocking Raikov's dramatic nature. At least a little.

[ivantheterrible]

"Huh?" Ivan straightened up, looking around the room as if he heard something--and he could have sworn he did. A whisper, something...

His suspicion passed quickly enough, and Raikov took a seat at the table again. Now he wasn't doing much of anything besides watching the TV blathering on with some sitcom. Unfortunately, the TV's volume was low enough that if Snake moved he still risked being heard.

After a few minutes he got up and started physically trying to find a way to change the channel.

"I swear if I have to listen to another minute of this Yankee garbage...where's the dial?!"

Hit hit the button, and turned it off. "Huh? Hey!"

Snake got to watch technological incompetence. Lucky him.

[loveisbloominginmypants]

Smoking was sort of frowned upon in most areas of the academy. In fact, it was pretty much frowned upon everywhere. Samus had reminded him it was a 'dirty' habit. And he could almost hear Otacon in the back of his mind every time he lit up. Yet, he still did it. Old habits died hard, and Snake imagined if he didn't have cigarettes, he'd be one step closer to insanity.

What with the talking animals and all...

He leaned in a little closer to the opening, if only to hear Raikov a bit better. The man was the type to do a little mumbling and filled with more than a little disdain for the situation. Funny to listen in on, but probably not that funny if the eavesdropper was caught.

"You don't know how to work a-"

And that was as far as he got. For he'd leaned in too far, and the moment he felt the vent give way beneath him, he instantly regretted not just visiting the girls' locker room. No sense in breaking the routine, and the moment the loud crash came from beneath him, he followed after it. It was the most graceful entrance ever. And Snake definitely knew something about grace.

[stay_classy_cat]

Students weren't typically allowed in the Teacher's Lounge; as the title implied, it was a lounge for teachers. And faculty really, but who's to say a school like this isn't filled with mischievous children abound causing childreny mischief and sticking their noses where they didn't belong?

A young blonde man--obviously a student by the uniform--with red eyes, red forehead gem and freckles peaked his head in the door, looking surprised to see someone inside. Time to feign innocence. And lie. With a smile.

"Oh," He purred. "Excuse me, I was expecting someone else."

[ivantheterrible]

Raikov kind of glazed over a lot of the technicalities in his paperwork, but he certainly knew that a teacher's lounge was for teachers, and that meant he would take any opportunity he got to be nasty to the first person who did something remotely out of line. Especially if they had to listen to him, and especially if they didn't look like they could beat him up for it.

...But as he turned around to get a leering look at the student intruder, his eyes got stuck on that beautiful face, and Raikov let a sigh slip out. What a sight for sore eyes!

When he finally spoke he tried to sound as unwelcoming and grumpy as possible to cover up that little slip of his. "Oh yeah, and who were you expecting?"

[stay_classy_cat]

Ohhooooo? Seth's eyebrow quirked up in curiosity, but decided to ultimately not put too much stock into that sigh.

"I was looking for Mr. Ocelot." He lied, drawing the name at random. Mostly at random--if there was any teacher he'd be looking for, it would be him. Either way, Seth kept his smile and leaned in the door frame a little more, as if shy.

"But who are you? Are you a new teacher?" He'd almost mistaken him for the old janitor, were it not for the thick accent.

[ivantheterrible]

Ocelot? The name echoed in his head as he continued to half-heartedly leer over at Seth.

Ocelot was here? He could swear he felt his blood pressure rise at the thought alone! It had to be a different Ocelot, it couldn't be that Ocelot. That was the last thing he needed--to have that cocky excuse for a soldier mock him for everything he's lost.

Ivan was snapped out of his internal thoughts when Seth spoke again. He shook his head, momentarily disorientated.

"Oh, uh. Yeah, that's right," he quickly regained his normal smug attitude, "I'm the new Gym teacher."

He smirked, "Major Ivan Raikov."

[stay_classy_cat]

He stepped into the room a more at the introduction, so he could return the favor. Seth was pompous and vain--no introduction like a good one. He placed a hand on his chest, fingers splayed in grand display.

"I'm Seth. Seth Richardson; a senior. It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Raikov. Or is that Major?" He was sure he could get used to a more intimate usage of his first name, but in due time, after he finished feeling the other man up.

Seth briefly glanced over the table.

"Sorry if I uninterrupted your lunch."

NOT HERE... OR IS IT....

[whitedeviljack]

There's a disturbance in the force. Jack thought, somewhere across time and space and the multiverse.

[ivantheterrible]

Ivan's nose itches suddenly. He hoped it was because a dashing man was thinking about him.