O, Signage of Truth and Virtue! Enter into Our Swoledom: Enter into Our Hearts!

[raced_god]

Who: Max, Captain Falcon, you?????
What: Hanging posters. Maybe some other stuff. Maybe whatever you want.
When: Week of April 21st.
Where: Around campus and also the locker rooms I guess.
Warnings: Swolitude. Tiny towels. Man talk.



The posters have sprung up overnight. Tacked to bulletin boards, plastered on lampposts--anywhere that can feasibly hold a flyer, the posters are there. The question, then, is where are they coming from? Who is putting them up?

The answer is perhaps obvious. If one pays attention, it is not difficult to find one Max Powers around campus with a stapler, one Captain Falcon following him with a stack of flyers.

One can only imagine the things that run through his head. I've saved the universe, he thinks to himself. I am the greatest racecar driver that ever lived, he thinks, with every clack of Max's stapler. I own islands.

And yet

And yet, dear reader, there they are.

Comments

[forgetbeam]

There were entirely too many posters up for a single weight room. It wasn't like they were anywhere they weren't allowed to be, and they weren't covering anything up except for a few ads for a local community gym's crossfit program, but they were a little bit of an eyesore.

Kiyotaka was all for health and fitness. He even hit up the gym himself a few mornings a week for short periods of time, even if things like swimming or jogging or being TOTALLY INTO LONG WALKS were more his forte. But this was utterly ridiculous. Apparently he could not take a relaxing bath or just go from class to class without Max hounding him to get "swole."

The idea that a man's strength was based on how much he could lift was still REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE for REASONS. So he stared over the stack of textbooks in his arms at the posters with disapproval.

[raced_god]

Wow look it was the kid who told Captain Falcon to take a bus.

Falcon was pretty good at knowing when people were leveling disapproving stares in his direction and/or his weight room posters (silly as he truly thought they were), and he detected it from halfway down the hallway. Obviously there was absolutely nothing to do but STARE IN DISAPPROVAL RIGHT BACK.

[forgetbeam]

Wow look it was the douchebag teacher who didn't pay parking fines.

He couldn't even get on Falcon's case about it anymore, but that didn't make him any less mad about it. AND SO THE MOST DISAPPROVING STAREDOWN IN THE HISTORY OF SMASH ACADEMY COMMENCED. RIGHT THERE IN THE HALLWAY.

Of course staring contests with guys who wore sunglasses even at night were a bad idea.

A Staredown for the Ages! His Eyebrow Power is Over 9000?!? Defuse our Tension O Blue One!

[tank_rockarms]

Meanwhile, Max was totally oblivious to all of this staring-at-each-other-angrily-across-the-hallway action that was going on about him.

Max was in the middle of putting three fliers up on top of a local community gym's Crossfit poster. "Bunch of crazies," said Max to nobody in particular. "Get themselves hurt with bad form. Wouldn't know a pull up from a pull down."

"Don't you fall in with the Crossfit crowd," said Max, turning and pointing to Kittytaco. "They're no good."

[raced_god]

"There's nothing wrong with Crossfit," Falcon said, momentarily forgetting his feud with Kiyotaka in favor of defending cardio.

A Sudden Challenger! A Strange Proclaimation! The Man I Once Knew Is Dead!

[needsmorebiceps]

"What did you just say?" Max asked, turning slowly to Falcon.

[raced_god]

"I do Crossfit. There's nothing wrong with Crossfit," he said again, on the off chance that Max was hard of hearing.

[forgetbeam]

There was a storm a-brewin', and Kiyotaka could not see the clouds for shit.

"What is Crossfit?"

A Hideous Revelation of Weakness! A Terrible Unveiling of Betrayal! Oh, Empty Promises, Empty Life!

[needsmorebiceps]

Had Max been drinking a delicate cup of tea, this is the moment where he would have spat his drink out comically, eyes agog and his drinking companion covered in tea.

But, as Modern Audiences are beyond these sorts of droll moments, finding them Trite and Overdone, we will find none of this sort of tomfoolery in this story.

Max simply stared at Falcon, as he addressed Itchymarbles. "Crossfit," he said, putting another staple -- KACHUNK -- into the fliers now behind him, "is a school of exercise where the point is to lift weight as fast -- KACHUNK -- and forcefully as you can -- KACHUNK -- for short bursts of intense activity -- KACHUNK -- and the end result is -- KACHUNK -- you don't give a shit about form or safety -- KACHUNK -- 'cause you ain't got time to give a shit about proper form and safety -- KACHUNK -- so guys who do it get hurt way too much." -- KACHUNK.

That flier is in there pretty much forever. It's never going to leave that bulletin board.

Re: A Hideous Revelation of Weakness! A Terrible Unveiling of Betrayal! Oh, Empty Promises, Empty L

[raced_god]

"Not if you do it right," he argued, handing flyers over only to find that Max was currently pulverizing one with a stapler. "Just don't be stupid about it, it's the same as anything else."

Falcon gave shits about form and safety, Max. He did. And he knew where this was going, too. Soon they were going to be arguing about cardio.

"That's enough staples."

Your Words are as Poison! Remove Them from my Ears: Remove Them from my Heart!

[needsmorebiceps]

"But the entire point is to do it as fast as possible. You can't do it right. -- KACHUNK -- Not without gettin' hurt. And anyway," said Max, finally pulling the stapler away from the wall, "too much of that makes you lose your swole."

[raced_god]

"I'm not stupid, Max, I know what I can and can't do in the weight room."

Falcon was quick to wrest the stapler from Max's hand before anything else suffered the abuse.

"Lose your swole," he replied, an eyebrow raised. Challenging.

I Abjure Your Thoughts! Following the True Path, I Seek Out My Own Way!

[tank_rockarms]

Max looked at the stapler that had been in his hand a moment ago, and then looked down at Falcon with crossed brows.

"You spend too much time doin' cardio, you burn too much energy in aerobic exercise, and you don't got enough energy to build up good, solid muscle. The way crossfit works, it turns weight liftin' into cardio. If you're goin' for strength and size," and really why wouldn't you be going for those things? "and you do Crossfit, you're gonna get neither."

[raced_god]

Falcon turned around

and walked down the hall.

But he still had the stapler.

[forgetbeam]

Kiyotan had the sneaking suspicion that he might have opened a terrible can of worms by asking that question. Or breaching any exercise-related subject when Max was around. It was as though a bromance had been shattered before his very eyes, a pain he knew all too well, and for a second he almost pitied Falcon. Almost. Except Falcon was still a fine-dodging asshole. He did get points for taking the stapler with him, though.

He shifted the textbooks in his arms so he could point at the twenty-something layers of staples embedded in the corners of the poster. Rant mode: ACTIVATED.

"Whether you approve of that method or not, that is far too many staples for one poster! And far too many posters in general!" It was a good thing he was too busy deathglaring Falcon before to have noticed that Max covered something else up. "There is too much emphasis on lifting weights when students should really be focusing on the well being of the mind! It's almost exam season!"

King of Nonsense and Indignation: Your Swolehate Cannot Stand Against My Mighty Intellect!

[tank_rockarms]

Max turned to look down, down, down at the Kindertrumpet who had decided that this would be the perfect moment to try and be a hall monitor again. This boy was so far in the Crossfit Kingdom that it pained Max to look at his elvish shoulders. He needed to lift far more often (and heavy) than he'd agreed to.

"And who made you the king of staples and posters, Kiyotaka?" he asked. "Liftin' weights helps to clear the mind and help you work out mind junk problems," he responded. "Physical activity gives you a way of workin' through things and workin' through stress. You outta know that."

He ought to, although as clearly demonstrated, he was only able to do so when he'd gone completely over the sanity edge and crashed the Tightass Express into Crazybottom Gulch.

[forgetbeam]

They could take away his title, but they could never stifle his bossy attitude. But really, it didn't take a genius to know that you didn't need an entire pack of staples for a single sheet of paper.

He completely missed out on the jab. "I've seen enough evidence to know that the opposite can be just as true. I'd say a good walk is a much better way to organize one's thoughts!"

There it was, the ultimate betrayal.

"Besides, there's no practical way to review coursework when one's hands are full with weights!"

[raced_god]

Falcon just kind of watched from halfway down the hallway, mostly glad that the argument had shifted before they really started going at it.

"I like jogging," he chimed in, indirectly agreeing with Kiyotaka just because he knew it would piss Max off.

Your Ideas are Heresy to my Ears: My Heart of Steel Abjures Your Slanderous Claims!

[tank_rockarms]

"I jog, too!" said Max in a loud voice down the hallway, defiantly. "I swim or jog an hour almost every day. But I do more than just jog. And, if you're actually joggin' you can't review notes, 'cause you're movin' and sweatin' too much for that hour to look down at notes. There's more of a chance to read through notes durin' your break between sets than there is if you just jog for an hour."

Weight lifting is the superior activity, Q.E.D.

[forgetbeam]

He may not have liked Falcon but he wasn't going to argue against him out of spite or anything. He even gave an almost appreciative glance his way before Max started shouting.

"Actually, a jog is perfect for improving concentration! Of course you can't bring a textbook out with you. That would be foolish! But the fresh air and scenery is both invigorating and calming - the whole area around the school really is lovely in the spring, you know!"

His second spring here and he was not disappointed in that, at least. Everything else about this place could suck it though.

"You come back feeling refreshed and inspired and ready to work! It doesn't make your hands or arms too sore to hold a pencil! But no matter what, the most important thing is finding a balance! Building muscle should be a natural effect of maintaining good health, instead of being one's primary goal!"

And then, as an afterthought, still all stupidly excited over the idea of a good jog:

"By the way, please leave enough room for a few posters to promote a group jog in the mornings!"

AND THAT'S HOW KIYOTAKA ISHIMARU STARTED A WAR.

[raced_god]

Falcon still thought Kiyotaka was kind of nuts, but he could appreciate all of these things that would most certainly get under Max's skin. As someone who appreciated a good jog himself, he could get behind group jog posters. He just wouldn't actually partake in the group.

Okay, so mostly this was to cheese Max off.

"That's not a bad idea," he said, taking a box of staplers out of his pocket to idly reload while he praised the value of running around.

"If you print some up, we'll hang those, too."

Ha ha ha ha ha.

[forgetbeam]

Really? Falcon was offering to hang them up? ...Well, he wasn't going to argue with a good thing.

"Oh! Thank you! I'll be sure to print them up tonight and get them to you by tomorrow morning!"

At least he'd print them after spending entirely far too long panicking about knowing absolute nothing about graphic design programs. Hope Chihiro wasn't expecting a peaceful evening.

"While I'm at it, I think it would be a good idea to advertise for the debate team and cheer squad as well..." And maybe study group. Jeez, every inch of wall was going to be covered in poster at this rate. And here's where he'd hang one for the Disciplinary Committee, IF HE STILL HAD ONE. "Or, even better! The school should have a club recruitment day!"

SETTLE DOWN, KITTY.

[raced_god]

Uh.

"No," he said simply. "Don't push it."

[forgetbeam]

"Is there a problem?"

[raced_god]

"I'm not doing that for you."

Was the problem.

"Just the jogging posters."

Because they'd piss off Max.