Eirika, Princess of Renais (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
heartofarapier) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
smash_logs2013-11-11 08:18 pm
heartofarapier) wrote in smash_logs2013-11-11 08:18 pm
Academy Dreams
Who: Eirika, Open
When: Nov. 11 - Late Night
Where: Academy Grounds
What: What happens when you wake up to a horse eating your hair? You wake up to a horse eating your hair.
Warnings: Not Applicable
Note: Action or prose! Your choice!
[It was Ephraim's voice that she heard. Asking her if she knew who he was. And after that, there was nothing. It seemed without an interruption that she was content to be left in sweet slumber beneath a fruit tree shedding its leaves for the autumn season. At least up until the white horse that stood patiently at attention suddenly lost its said patience and with its head stirred her to something more awake.]
...Ephraim?
[Except it wasn't Ephraim at all. Unless Ephraim had suddenly become a horse. And while she was sure nothing she saw could be real, she also believed that in any moment the dream that she'd been reunited with the academy would hastily end, leaving a reality she couldn't picture being warm or welcoming.]
When: Nov. 11 - Late Night
Where: Academy Grounds
What: What happens when you wake up to a horse eating your hair? You wake up to a horse eating your hair.
Warnings: Not Applicable
Note: Action or prose! Your choice!
[It was Ephraim's voice that she heard. Asking her if she knew who he was. And after that, there was nothing. It seemed without an interruption that she was content to be left in sweet slumber beneath a fruit tree shedding its leaves for the autumn season. At least up until the white horse that stood patiently at attention suddenly lost its said patience and with its head stirred her to something more awake.]
...Ephraim?
[Except it wasn't Ephraim at all. Unless Ephraim had suddenly become a horse. And while she was sure nothing she saw could be real, she also believed that in any moment the dream that she'd been reunited with the academy would hastily end, leaving a reality she couldn't picture being warm or welcoming.]
no subject
[...]
Alright.
[He...cannot make her after all. He wouldn't ever. On the contrary, Connor faced her direction in the dark. And thankful it was actually dark, because there was a very blatant face of serious concern.
He had to accept it. Make himself accept it. Try as he might. But he hated it.]
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I'm sorry.
[And she held a pause for longer than she wanted to add she tried to force up her courage.]
I do not think we should see each other like this any longer.
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For perhaps the following day she would feel otherwise. But she doubted it. And perhaps it would just be easier to make him despise her.
And that was enough to leave her to a restless slumber of replayed memories and long-lasting nightmares hardly any different than any she'd had when the war began. For unlike Connor, she had not the strength to put them from her mind, so even fantasies became twisted from self-indulgent hopes into glorified massacres and tyranny.
But those were the kinds of things she would lock away inside, for Eirika as princess and queen by practise could only ever be strong.]
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His mind and heart simply stopped. In the dark, Connor's eyes were wide open for a long time, as he laid on his back and stared at the ceiling.
It was a good few hours, in just thought. He didn't bother to attempt to close his eyes, to shut it off and just let him sleep uneventfully.
That was the drawback. When did he have dreams of his own that he could recall. None. Probably not since he was smaller. Finally, he would turn to look at Eirika, mind not empty but no feeling of recalling what he had in that mind.
She was struggling. Her sleep was non existent, as she wasn't resting at all...just dreaming horrifically. He was already wide awake. But now his brain was functioning. He knew what to do. He knew how to help.
He had an answer.
That answer was, sorry. Connor had come too far to let Eirika go. A want. A need. He didn't go through months of self discovery. Weeks of worry. To let her go.
He can't. He won't.
You don't need to say anything.
Whatever cold Eirika felt was replaced by warmth. Connor was by her side, holding her. Not to ward her from terror, but to face the terror with her.
He wasn't leaving. He wanted to fight that with all the power he had.]
no subject
Like the days with Lyon. She would have made those last forever. Or as close to forever as she could manage. But those days were gone. And he was gone, wasn't he? That tormented her more than she could even say. It was easy to see things repeat themselves, those same moments and conversations. His face. His voice. How she and Ephraim had argued over who he was, really. She hated not knowing the truth, or thinking that Lyon had only ever deceived her. Claiming he loved her and he envied her brother. Believing she could use the Sacred Stone of her people to save him. And inevitably failing.
And she couldn't stop believing. When Connor interrupted whatever incredibly complex line of thought she had, there was no denying the way she stiffened. As if it was ice that struck, despite how very warm he was, and very abruptly he roused her, which implied she was hardly sleeping at all and just stuck in whatever world of distaste it was.
As she caught her breath, her hands lifted because though she couldn't see, her fingertips scouted over him as if to put the pieces together. And she knew it was Connor and not her brother and not the man she'd called her closest friend. But...]
...What are you doing?
[Very quiet, very hushed, slightly intimidated- if only because it was extraordinarily strange to have a man sharing her bed in a manner that seemed very much inappropriate. Which made her wonder what he was thinking and what he had witnessed.]
no subject
[He didn't know what would happen if he did he just, once again, felt it was right. In a way, he wanted this. No, actually. He really did. He looked at her. He was less sad looking and more...caring. Loving. Like, he was here and he wanted to be, because he cared about her so. He was also wide awake, despite the hour.]
I have just told you earlier how I felt for you, how I have never felt this way before. How you were what I never knew I wanted. Your reluctance for my help is fine with me.
I...cannot let you go...not yet. Shove me away if you will right now. I will at least then have said what I needed to say, at all times especially now. I have never even known someone like you was something to fight for until now.
[And he knew he was going way out there. He knew it. But he was so serious. And he was fed up with the pushing. The pushing away.]
I just do not...I do not want to lose this, not if I can help it. Your pain...your pain can be mine to share. Is that not what we promised? Did we not just promise all of this? Outside, in here, and back then. I am not a man who does not work to fullfill promises.
In this thread, I write novels and apologise.
Regardless of fighting.
But he was so persistent, so dedicated to the cause, so unwilling to simply let her have her way. Perhaps because he knew what she was doing, or what she was thinking. His dislike or misunderstanding of monarchies and social hierarchy was enough to remind him to keep her from getting so attached to that part of herself. Again, he was still trying to free her of the world she'd been locked into for the sake of others.]
Connor.
[She was still replaying his words, the things he said, how serious all of it was. How much he made it sound like they were married. He really did. No man had ever said such things to her, or wanted them of her- that she knew of. And it was that he said it that she knew very well he wanted her to be aware of it. She was what he wanted.
He... wanted her. In his life. At his side. With him. For them to be together. To be close to her. For her to be close to him. For her to depend on him. For her to stop putting that wall between them. For her to treat herself as a woman and not as a regal position. For her to treat him as a man. Just a man. They were just supposed to be a man and a woman.]
I... am always going to be a princess, or a queen. No amount of my sentiments about you will change that. Today, tomorrow, months, and years from now, I will always be a woman of noble birth. And one day, I will have to choose between my position and my heart.
[Settling against him, she let him remain, trying not to think about it too much or what it even implied. They were more serious than even she had considered. And she'd not known he would think of her the way he did. Where she thought she was only convenient to him, he had seen something more in her.]
...There is a saying, that women are like poets. Poets are free with their words, their sonnets, and their songs, and woman are free with their hearts. I did once give my heart to you, as it was for you alone and no one else, but despite that... I cannot think myself worthy of joy to be with you in any form. Why should I be permitted any sense of peace of mind, or spirit, or body, when so many people I know suffer? I have my heart not at all, and yet it aches with a sorrow as if my father has died all over again, as if Renais burns still and with it the alliances we once forged.
[Snaking her arms about him, Eirika paused and she set her right ear to his chest, thinking the feeling bittersweet. Guilt and contentment. Guilt because there was contentment.] No man should ever live with the knowledge that he is unable to heal the heart that he holds.
never apologize
Was this really what she wanted? To let him go? To be alone and leave him alone?
That wasn't right. He had already told her that.]
I remember what I told you a long time ago, one of our first few meetings in this school. I told you...everyone deserved to have happiness when it found them.
[He...wasn't going to give up. He got so far, he can't. He took one of his hands to grab one of her, to place it right on his heart. It was thumping very loud. Like it was going to jump out of his chest, which was irregular to the face he was giving. Which was very straight and strong.]
I did not claim I can rid your heart of all the pain. I do not expect you to heal mine. Pain may never leave. But I shall not leave you to believe that you deserve no happiness.
[His eyes grew sad again, his voice growing softer.]
Not many a day goes by when I can still see the image of my mother burning alive right in front of me. I can never say when my work will be done. What I need to do.
I always said I was not sure what time and when I could devote to anything else. But I was never going to know until I tried. Until I tried anything. Worked hard like anything else.
You cannot take what I experienced from me, what my duties are and have been. But if I can see you, it makes me feel like there is much I can do for myself. My own happiness. That is the lesson this school has taught me.
Re: never apologize
Two people walking side by side didn't necessarily imply anything.
When he guided her hand to his chest, she did finally get a better look at him. Over time, eyes grew accustomed to the dark, which meant while she couldn't see much, there was dim lighting from the outside moon. And perhaps she found herself reminded just how much she cared for him whenever she saw him in a new way. Her fingertips splayed against his chest, right over his heart with a characteristic tenderness as she listened to him.
...What to say...
And still not really sure, she finally gave a nod, as if that was better than nothing.]
Back then, I thought I was committing a felony simply by smiling, knowing my brother was facing the Grado Empire alone. I was afraid that I shouldn't have had the right because while I was happy, my only living relative wasn't.
[Tipping her head to eye his chest, she drew back her other hand to sweep some of the hair from her face and behind her right ear.]
Now... If it weren't for you, perhaps I would be nothing more than my crown. Too blinded by my obligations to not only admit what I wanted for myself, but to truly desire it. When you suffered, Connor, in the past or present, I wanted to suffer also, if only so we could suffer together. I've never been able to stand the thought of you facing things alone. Not a powerless man, but modest and asking for very little.
[Shifting, she leaned over him and leaving her hand at his chest, the other brushed aside his own hair with care.] What is it that you really want of me, I wonder. This... pathway, this between us, what it can become- if it hasn't already, everything in me knots when I think of it.
Before I left, I thought often that I had grown so accustomed to having you in my life that I never wanted to imagine what it would be like not to see you. I tried to picture how things would be if I never saw those eyes again, if I never heard your voice. If I never touched you again. No more walks or talks, or that feeling that I could just be an ordinary woman. No more of that... thrill, like I was doing something really... forbidden, and loving it.
[Because he certainly did seem forbidden. And she certainly had a hard time staying away from that.]
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So now he had to honestly ask; say.]
Desire...drives many.
[He held that hand to his chest still.]
When I came to you, wanting to court, I knew it was something new. Something I had to try to see. My desire whether in my obligations or in what I had wanted to strive...never had I wanted something for myself to look upon and feel like I could share a life. It would be worth every moment.
[He smiled, so smally.]
I want to see that smile. That genuine kindness. A kindness I had thought I did not deserve. But then I felt like it was something...unforgettable. Nothing I wanted to throw away.
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She thought it many times as she heard him and it sat at the very forefront of her mind.
I love you more than the sky and the sun. I love you more than the sea and the flowers. I love you more than I love myself, and if I had to die for you, I would do so willingly without a moment's hesitance.
It was all dangerous thinking as her eyes stayed locked onto his, drowning everything else out. When she began to really realise it and admit it, it was like falling into a form of darker oblivion she had never visited.
You are a man who could make me lose a war.]
When you speak to me like that, I wish only to kiss you often and frequently as if each one would say everything I think. It is passionate and not the sort of decent thing a man should say to a woman. Unless they were courting. When you say it, it's as if you earnestly believe we can have a future together.
[Propping most of her weight onto her free hand's elbow, she fiddled with his braid, her attention wholly upon him, though her gaze had moved elsewhere.]
A future with you- it is what I want. That is my desire. To be with you as I am with no other. That if my smiles for any other are diplomatic, that they are sincere for you. That my kindnesses for you are not simple kindnesses, but rather the only ways I can put my entire heart into how I care for you, and for what it is we have and share.
no subject
...Then stay.
[His mind, and his heart...as what SOMETIMES happened, were in agreement. Though more in agreement lately. It wasn't said in any sort of begging. Not at all. Never. Connor would never beg.
Though he did heavily suggest.]
We seem to share the same feelings. We have the academy to thank for showing us our lives can offer something different.
This was never a blessing I wanted to waste from the moment I was in that hospital with you. I am more sure of it day after day. I know that...I am happy here, like this. Learning how to cope, how to express myself.
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"Then stay."
With him? For how long? Did he mean until the end of their days? Until the end of this pathway they were on? But where would that end? And when? She hadn't forgotten Gordon telling her that if she worried so over when she'd lose Connor that she'd drive herself mad. She believed it, too.]
I remember that day, too. And the ones before it.
[Leaving her hand against his heart- and likely in his -she curled in against him. The way lovers did, in her opinion.]
You... said before that we share the same feelings. Does that mean... [She tapped somewhat anxiously against him.] ...that... [And then she opted for something more direct.] What is it that you desire, Ratonhnhaké:ton?
no subject
Especially since it followed an important question. It put him on the spot, sure. But with reason. He did owe her a direct answer. After all of this. After it all. It was time for Connor to be direct. If he learned anything, he needed to own up to himself when prompted. But real desires is what he was recently just learning and discovering. What a word. Desire. Did he really desire anything in his life?]
What I desire...
[He trailed a moment while taking an arm and wrapping it around her once more. More secure.]
For so long, whenever we saw each other, I was happy. The happiest I remember me being. When we read together, study your subjects, practice the bow, when we do anything. Those moments are what I cherish the most.
I desire...those moments. I desire for those moments to last for as long as I can fight for so.
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He couldn't have said anything more pointed than that, honestly. It was more powerful than an 'I love you,' or something akin to it. Because virtually it was what he was saying, in his own special sort of way. And it stirred her heart to such a great extent that she didn't even blush. She didn't even know how to respond. At least not at first.
But when he protectively drew his arm about her, she settled in against him comfortably, perfectly flush, and lacking an otherwise necessary imagination for such affection. And then she smiled, and she tried not to give into it too much, shyly hiding her face against his shoulder momentarily. At least until she showed him just her eyes and hid the rest.]
I... did not tell you before, but I used to worry frequently about my ability to make you happy. I did not think it was possible for me to, that perhaps you were only humouring me. I am... relieved and grateful. You gave to me honesty and I wish to give you mine as well.
You always make it very difficult for me to tell you 'no' for anything. I think I have never felt so much at someone's compassion before, as if you are the prince and I am just the commoner. [She shook her head, amused at the concept.] Once more I am at your compassion, and yet the way we are, is how I wish to be, self-indulgence and all.
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You liked honesty, Eirika. He was willing to give more. Soon, all of Connor will be revealed. Soon enough. For now, his feelings.]
I could not be a happier man.
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And it was because of that, that she could speak to him so directly. For if he could say such passionate things to her, then surely she could repay him with the same. He deserved it, if nothing more. But how could she really give him more when she had already given all of herself?]
I could not be a happier woman.
[The best part of it was that it was true.]