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smash_logs2013-09-05 01:00 am
shyhacker) wrote in smash_logs2013-09-05 01:00 am
[Closed] I’ve thought about it and all the while, I’m still doing the same old thing
Who: Chihiro and Naoki
What: A lot of sad talks
Where: BE-12, their dorm
When: Slightly future-dated to the 8th
Warnings: This is pretty depressing. Also, major DR spoilers as well as possible unreliable narrator on Chihiro's end.
To say how much the recent event of apparent war within the city and school had left Chihiro emotional was beyond an understatement. Just because he couldn't recall the events to the exact tee, doesn't mean he didn't remember how he felt when humanity collapsed in his very own eyes. What would you expect? Things weren't exactly perfect, but they were getting better and school had become something he'd look forward to; just to go by his day with the classmates he had grown to love, akin to familial. Then the Most Despair-Inducing Event in the History of Mankind happened within the very same school that had promised hope for future generations and was orchestrated by one of the several people he had shared two years of school life with. And, needless to say, that was only the beginning of the endless terror.
That indescribable feeling, mixed with betrayal, paranoia, fear, anxiety, the knowledge that you were hunted down just by your status and that someone like Chihiro, who is more prone to be trusting and passive, would feel like they were breaking thanks to the fact they couldn't- shouldn't necessarily trust anyone. Especially at times when propaganda and coercion were worming into the minds of insecure, envious teenagers who are more than probable of violence.
No, there was a name for this.
Despair.
And then something similar started to rise in Final Destination City. It was like some sick joke that was so vile that now, every time he recalled it, he had to urge to run to the nearest bathroom and vomit out the bile feeling from his stomach and throat.
But that wasn't all of it, no.
He nearly killed a man from the frenzy.
He was so sick of everything, but he was probably sick of himself the most now.
The brunet could imagine, someone telling him that it wasn't his intention that the stun gun explode onto Phoenix's person. But still, he made it, he wanted to use it to hurt someone- ignoring the fact that he should have thought it through more than just scrounging up random parts to make a high voltage stun gun. Phoenix could have died just then, Cress had already told him that the robotized army could potentially cause causalities. Still, he didn't listened, he could have just asked Alter Ego to summon a demon that could act as a shield as they run. He could have...
Could-haves, what-ifs, if-I-hadn'ts; he was repeating them like a mantra and even to himself, the programmer thought he was being more pathetic than usual.
It seemed like, ever since the incident, he had been on an endless cycle of screaming and crying while he mostly laid silently on his bed. And, very likely, if someone were to come in the room now and try to talk to him, it would only be registered as static in his mind.
In the empty dorm of BE-12, Chihiro curled up in his bed and muffled his frustrated scream with a pillow for what it felt like the hundredth time.
What: A lot of sad talks
Where: BE-12, their dorm
When: Slightly future-dated to the 8th
Warnings: This is pretty depressing. Also, major DR spoilers as well as possible unreliable narrator on Chihiro's end.
To say how much the recent event of apparent war within the city and school had left Chihiro emotional was beyond an understatement. Just because he couldn't recall the events to the exact tee, doesn't mean he didn't remember how he felt when humanity collapsed in his very own eyes. What would you expect? Things weren't exactly perfect, but they were getting better and school had become something he'd look forward to; just to go by his day with the classmates he had grown to love, akin to familial. Then the Most Despair-Inducing Event in the History of Mankind happened within the very same school that had promised hope for future generations and was orchestrated by one of the several people he had shared two years of school life with. And, needless to say, that was only the beginning of the endless terror.
That indescribable feeling, mixed with betrayal, paranoia, fear, anxiety, the knowledge that you were hunted down just by your status and that someone like Chihiro, who is more prone to be trusting and passive, would feel like they were breaking thanks to the fact they couldn't- shouldn't necessarily trust anyone. Especially at times when propaganda and coercion were worming into the minds of insecure, envious teenagers who are more than probable of violence.
No, there was a name for this.
Despair.
And then something similar started to rise in Final Destination City. It was like some sick joke that was so vile that now, every time he recalled it, he had to urge to run to the nearest bathroom and vomit out the bile feeling from his stomach and throat.
But that wasn't all of it, no.
He nearly killed a man from the frenzy.
He was so sick of everything, but he was probably sick of himself the most now.
The brunet could imagine, someone telling him that it wasn't his intention that the stun gun explode onto Phoenix's person. But still, he made it, he wanted to use it to hurt someone- ignoring the fact that he should have thought it through more than just scrounging up random parts to make a high voltage stun gun. Phoenix could have died just then, Cress had already told him that the robotized army could potentially cause causalities. Still, he didn't listened, he could have just asked Alter Ego to summon a demon that could act as a shield as they run. He could have...
Could-haves, what-ifs, if-I-hadn'ts; he was repeating them like a mantra and even to himself, the programmer thought he was being more pathetic than usual.
It seemed like, ever since the incident, he had been on an endless cycle of screaming and crying while he mostly laid silently on his bed. And, very likely, if someone were to come in the room now and try to talk to him, it would only be registered as static in his mind.
In the empty dorm of BE-12, Chihiro curled up in his bed and muffled his frustrated scream with a pillow for what it felt like the hundredth time.
no subject
Something that had bothered him a lot in this battle. To hear that others had been forced to move without their permission, like puppets in a macabre dance. Sure he hadn't asked to be turned into a half-demon, but in the end he hadn't minded the transformation. Naoki new that he was marked as an Adversary for the rest of his life and perhaps his next ones, but he believed in humanity enough not to renounce his half as Lucifer wanted and even wished for the world to be returned As-Is.
He walked away from this school event perhaps a little bitter, but it was easy for him to recover. He knew that a world of freedom offered situations such as this one. It was both good and bad. Thus, all he could do was move on and hope for the best.
He hadn't announced himself when he returned to the dorm room, opening the door to see Chihiro in what looked like obvious distress. Unfortunately his people skills continued to be rather terrible, so he just stood there, waiting for the other to talk to him.
no subject
"Kashima-kun..." he finally said, the once sharp brown eyes seem to have been replaced by dull, clouded ones that evidently hadn't gotten much sleep. The brunet was uncharacteristically slow to process his surroundings, heck he was even slow to remotely act. His brain was trying to pull itself back together though as it continued to replay back random, vague memories between the terror from the last incident.
"I'm sorry," but to either Naoki or the random fragment of memories, it was difficult to actually tell. "I... have been kind out of it..... "
no subject
He crossed his arms and sighed. Not at him, but the entire situation and what had happened for him to see his roommate in such a state.
"It's fine."
It wasn't much in the way of words, but it was still a lot more than he'd give others the time of.
"Must be hard."
no subject
This whole situation should invoke him to be more surprise than simply staring off, they finally had a conversation where both of them (somewhat) talked.
He slowly nodded and, without thinking, he said, "I could have killed him."
no subject
And that was a major difference between the both of them. With a huff, he settled on his bed, staring at the ceiling and crossing his legs, looking at his hand.
"What we choose to do defines us, yeah?"
This was probably the most words he had uttered during his entire stay here.
no subject
"I guess but... I don't want to k-kill anyone," he trailed off. If one thing was on his mind constantly, it was perhaps the constant reminder he had struggled and failed to stay alive. However, he knew he rather experience it the second time than inflicting violence to an innocent man.
no subject
"Then don't. Just remember that." It was the best advice he could give, really. "You could have, but didn't. And you don't want to."
no subject
But, wasn't it for the better though, to be honest with people? It had done him good as far as he'd been in school. And Naoki... he hardly knew him, when he thought about it. They had been doing mostly their own thing when it was concerned, Chihiro was quiet and Naoki was quiet if it weren't for that fairy friend of his that tend to stick around; but so far he shown to be helpful in his own way, he could trust Naoki. He really should trust Naoki. Even so, regardless, his heart was pounding so loudly especially in their quiet room as he can feel the familiar feeling of his hands starting to go numb.
"W-would it...." he started after long silence, "sound insane to say t-that I've... been killed before...?"
no subject
"No". His tone was surprisingly neutral. "I've seen it before...but you look a lot better than they did."
He didn't mean it to sound anything other than a statement. Chihiro wasn't spasming widely. But it did explain why he feared killing. He probably knew exactly what it was like, the feeling or your life being drained away. Before his mind could stop him, he then blurted out,
"Who killed you?"
no subject
Instead, he said nothing and brought his head close to his knees. He began to sob quietly, oh god this was absolutely pathetic, he felt beyond weak right now.
gdit I didn't realize it was my turn, gomen
At the same time, he had no idea how to deal with this. Chihiro needed to be able to do this alone too, right? So he continued to stand on his own bed, althought he was looking at the other a lot more closely now.
"Sorry," he added, apologizing. "It's just that I've..." Done the same? "Killed my friends too."
Oh boy, here we go.