Calling Cards: It's Like Art Class But Instead It Sucks

[ihateplumbers]

Who: Bowser and Students
What: Etiquette Class
Where: A Classroom
When: Wednesday, Feb. 6th
Warnings: Uh, douchebag lizard?

Bowser, always a really great teacher at all times, had taken to reading things out of books to his students. Books that Kamek had left around from his errant youth, or something. Today's selection was from that classic, Our Deportment; or, The Manners, Conduct, and Dress of the Most Refined Society; Including Forms for Letters, Invitations, etc. Also, Valuable Suggestions on Home Culture and Training. Compiled from the Latest Reliable Authorities. The latest reliable authorities in 1881. Sure to be a favorite among everyone involved.



Bowser, as a giant lizard, sat in his teacher's chair and read in a voice dripping with languor read aloud to his classroom, the book held daintily in his giant claws, "To the unrefined or underbred, the visiting card is but a trifling and insignificant bit of paper; but to the cultured disciple of social law, it conveys a subtle and unmistakable intelligence. Its texture, style of engraving, and even the hour of leaving it combine to place the stranger, whose name it bears, in a pleasant or a disagreeable attitude, even before his manners, conversation and face have been able to explain his social position. The higher the civilization of a community, the more careful it is to preserve the elegance of its social forms. It is quite as easy to express a perfect breeding in the fashionable formalities of cards, as by any other method, and perhaps, indeed, it is the safest herald of an introduction for a stranger. Its texture should be fine, its engraving a plain script, its size neither too small, so that its recipients shall say to themselves, 'A whimsical person,' nor too large to suggest ostentation. Refinement seldom touches extremes in anything."

Bowser set the book down on his desk and looked over at his class. "As a king," said the king, haughtily, "of course I have a calling card. I have several. Dozens, in fact." They'd been made at the highest expense last night when he'd read that classy people were supposed to have calling cards. "The very best sorts of people do, of course. Low class chumps, such as plumbers and tomboy princesses and mail-carrying paratroopas and the like don't carry them. You, however, should have a calling card, if you want to hope to ever belong to the upper-levels of society such as I, as a king, already belong to. So today, you're going to design calling cards. Next week they'll arrive and you can all practice leaving them with each other, like classy people, like me, do."

They would be made, of course, at the very highest expense and, of course, billed to someone. Bowser hadn't made up his mind yet if it would be the school that was paying for them, and so drain the coffers of this gauche institution, or the students themselves, as part of the fees for the course at the end of the term. Maybe both. Double billing sounded nicest.

"A few notes on calling cards," said Bowser. "Never include any information other than your name -- these aren't business cards. The first person to choose comic sans gets set on fire. Cursive script is best, black letter is acceptable. You may include a design on it if you like, but leave room for your name."

Bowser glared at the classroom from his desk. "There's boxes of blank cards, glue, scissors, fountain pens" (the use of the ball pen is the end of society, dear reader) "etc, in the back. Some of the cards have designs on them. Or if you're a good enough artist," and here Bowser snorted, "you can draw your own little design on them. Now go. When you're done, bring them up to me and I'll grade them for you and then have them sent off to the engravers."

How wonderful.

((Here are a few links to Victorian-era calling cards just in case you don't know what they look like but would like some inspiration. They don't have to be a vomit of flowers and birds, though. Draw your own in MS Paint or what-have-you. Describe it using the power of words. Put a basketball and a pizza on the card. Maybe there's some glue and a magazine somewhere your character can cut and paste with. MAKE A CARD. BE A PERSON OF DISTINCTION AND CLASS.))

Comments

Attendance

[ihateplumbers]

This is where you post that you are here in class.

Questions/Comments

[ihateplumbers]

This is where you ask questions that get you ridiculed.

Card Get!

[ihateplumbers]

This is where you present your beautiful calling cards to Bowser.

Lurkers

[ihateplumbers]

This is where you lurk in the back of the classroom and glare daggers at Bowser's horrible teaching abilities.